Topic RSS | Reply to topic
Author Post

IambicMess


Member

Posted Mon Jun 29th, 2009 1:11am Post subject: Poem I wrote for a competition

So Days slip oily through my cracked eyelids and encompass
The listless quiet. And now gentlemen, here is your fucking rhyme.

She is the numbers on my clock, the notches on my compass.
Without her I am wandering, at a loss, and cannot tell the time.

I am smiling now; ignore the fingers crossed behind my back.
Maybe later you can let me in, though now I can never, ever win.
“He’s much too clever, far too thin.”

It is restless here. The edge of the table cuts into my arms
And they ache.
She taps my forehead with a nail as sharp as morning.
When she speaks her voice breaks and without warning
Memories fall like leaves, and are scattered on the wind.
Leaving my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Bare.

Beneath a canopy of steel stars
On Broadway and Times Square, we idly chattered.
Laughing in the neon glow of MARS
And Nike and Vodaphone. Not that it mattered.

(Mister Eliot you had it wrong)
August is the cruellest month of all.
Printed figures cry: “This is where you belong!”
And come October’s chill, you heed the call.
A sickness beyond sickness, take your heart
In hand, and feel it flutter like a bird.
Take the slip, it tells you when you start,
You made it. Good work. Get out. Not a word.
The clock, ticks. The world, turns. And you,
Leave. They are never, never, never, through.

Sing for me you empty things,
Sing the way a mother sings,
Find an ounce of breath
And wrap it as my birthday present.
‘Yours in the ranks of death’
It’s you I resent.

I Love to be Loved


I don't write a lot of poetry, but I thought I might as well give it a shot. It's a bit angsty I know, sorry

Back to top

Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Jun 29th, 2009 4:41am Post subject: Poem I wrote for a competition
[i]

. It's a bit angsty I know, sorry

I have a pet peeve about folks apologizing for writing a poem. I don't mean to offend.

Minus the occasional, seriously mentally disturbed person who does NOT 'feel' emotions....well, emotions are a common human experience. Universal. Angst happens to be one of them. Poems reflect thoughts, ideas, feelings...some might put those together in writing better in some way than others do, but I don't think ANYONE should apologize for either writing a poem or the feeling(s) that inspired it.

OK, this soapbox I'm standing on is getting uncomftorable now so I'll step off and just say that I liked parts of the poem. Keep writing if you enjoy it.

Really? Wow.

Back to top

PamJH


Member

Posted Mon Jun 29th, 2009 5:13am Post subject: Poem I wrote for a competition
"She taps my forehead with a nail as sharp as morning."

That's an excellent piece of imagery as were a number of other lines in your poem.

And Nitro's right. Don't apologize if it's angsty. So what? Your emotions spawned the poem and that makes it OK.

I've never felt comfortable enough to post my own poetry (except for bawdy limericks), and I admire people who feel good enough about their work to do so.

I wouldn't mind reading more of your work.

Back to top

IambicMess


Member

Posted Mon Jun 29th, 2009 12:12pm Post subject: Poem I wrote for a competition
Thanks guys 'ppreciate it.
And Nitro, in future I'll not be apologetic. My only excuse is that I write very little poetry and I don't consider myself a brilliant poet, so I didn't want to come in declaring 'I just wrote a poem and it's genius!' However, you're right, I see your point. I'm never going to be any good if I don't have confidence in my work.

Back to top

Artemis


Member

Posted Sat Jul 18th, 2009 12:05pm Post subject: Poem I wrote for a competition
Hello! i'm new.

For what it is worth, I think people are being far too reserved in their praise.

I think the poem is brilliant- love the rhythm of it.

Back to top