STEPHEN FRY

I understand your frustration I really do. I didn't have your problem because at the time of my diagnosis i was on a section 3, in a mixed episode, attempting suicide almost daily unless on 1-to-1 obs, staring down another 6 months in the hospital. When they decided what was wrong and wanted me to take meds for it I was happy to oblige (and would have been forced anyhow). A month later I was out of hospital, that's how much difference the meds made in my life. A total turn about, as they so often do in bipolar disorder. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a choice, but what I am saying is, if you are bipolar, grab the meds gratefully because 90% of your illness will be treated by them.

Still, I agree with you your professionals are being disrespectful in not even having a conversation with you about it. You should be allowed that, even if it is only academic. Then again, since it is only academic why not take the meds and then tell them how pressurised you felt, and how nearly, because of the pressure alone, you nearly refused meds. In other words, they nearly cocked it up royally.

What meds are being suggested (PM if you want more privacy)? I can perhaps put your mind at ease and will warn you of any side effects. (I've been on nearly everything!)

KSx

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I'm in Australia.

I think the frustrating thing is that I'm not having any major episode. The one stressor I have is trying to be heard by my psych. I'm struggling to vocalise how I'm feeling- but that's how I am when I feel unheard, regardless of whether I'm manic or not. I know I'm stressed, and I know I'm coming somewhat close to being manic; the warning signs are there, but I'm stopping myself any time I start running around madly or sending myself back to bed if I haven't slept 8 hours. It seems to be working.

A few years back, I lasted one day on effexor, my partner had to basically restrain me all day. For the first time in my life I had hallucinations, and I could feel myself hurting me. No details, because ick, but yeah, it was intense. I could see blood, I could feel the acts, even though I wasn't doing it. I tried to throw myself out a window by the end of it. It's the most self destructive I've ever been. Having no ability to stop myself, being trapped feeling things that weren't real but scary none the less... I hated it. It terrified me, and I'm hesitant to blindly take a medication without addressing that fear and moving past it. Logically, I get that it's incredibly unlikely to happen again. Emotionally, I want to run as far as possible from anything that could make me feel like that again. I keep trying to explain to my psych that it's a line in the sand I'm struggling to cross, and I need help with it to be able to take the meds. I just... don't know how to move past that line on my own.

The conversation with my psych does feel manipulative. We've spent six months talking about my fears about losing everyone I love, so to have her turn around and say I'll lose everyone if I'm not medicated is pretty staggering. To have gone from my psych talking about me in terms of being a well adjusted (for the circumstances) person who just needs a little help here and there, to needing life long medication right this second, has startled me a bit, too.

I think its called valproate? I've seen some posts here about it, and it seems to do a good job. It's just moving past that fear of another adverse reaction that's the issue.

As for taking in an advocate, I'm thinking of bringing my partner in with me in the next appointment. We've discussed the reasonings behind my hesitation, and they know how I feel; so when I struggle to express myself, they at least know what I'm trying to say and can translate.

i can understand the feelings you're talking about in that second paragraph, i've been through that and it is scary!

but you also seem much more aware of warning signs, and your partner sounds like a great support too. it's a great idea to bring your partner in with you.

i don't know what to say about your psych, except ditto-ing katy... have you told the psych that you feel confused about all this? i agree, going from being TOLD that you just need some guidance and support here and there, to being TOLD you should be on a med right this day, sounds confusing to me too.

hope there's some clarity in it soon!