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michael


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 9:24pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
boo boo boo boo. bah boo boo.

i type stuff like that till i can figure out what i was going to say.

i went to my hometown and went to my parents' church. there's always this guy there who is family friends with my parents, and he is nice. he is more huggy than i'm used to or maybe i am just now getting to know him, i don't know.

it bothers me a lot but he's just trying to be nice. i don't know what makes it different from someone else hugging me, however it's too much to me and makes me feel scared.

sunday it got to AWKWARD stage for me, but i don't know what to do. and i don't like running into him because of it.

but honestly, he's not doing anything wrong. it's just me being ridiculous me.

then i drove back to town i live in and felt all upset and lonely because i can't make friends with people or let people be nice to me because i get awkward and scared and don't want to talk to them when they do.

blahboh boo.
there

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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PamJH


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 10:16pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
I'm a bit wary myself of touchy-feely people. I'm fine with my family when they want to get like that, but not strangers or even family friends.

I find myself stepping back from people like that, even though I know they don't mean any harm. I'm sorry that it probably makes people feel terrible, but I don't know what to do about it.

Some of us just need a little more personal space, I guess. What you're relating doesn't sound odd to me at all.

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michael


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 10:35pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
so maybe some awkwardness would have to go on so he'd know i don't like that so much? maybe just part of normal gettin-used-to-people stuff?

i just get frustrated thinkin i'm running off people who would otherwise be friends with me.

not that person, necessarily, just that situation made me start thinking of how few people i've newly befriended lately.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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PamJH


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 10:51pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
Yes, I think the person you're talking about should be able to take the hint by your body language that you don't like being approached like that. It's nothing to do with him and there's nothing wrong with you. But we all have varying levels of desired physical closeness, if that makes sense.

Perhaps when you see him again you can put your hand out first for a handshake. That might be enough to let him know you want to be friendly, just not that friendly. If he tried to draw you closer for a hug, just pull back a little. He'll be a bit taken aback, but as you're still there and trying to be friendly, he'll get over it.

I haven't befriended a lot of people lately, either. I'm cordial to people, but that doesn't mean I've invited them into my life. I probably should work on that!

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ginj


Member *

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 11:23pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
I have a question, do you want a lot of friends? Would you be comfortable with a lot of friends? I am actually responding to your remark that you are running off people who would be friends with you.

I don't have a lot of friends. I am not comfortable having a lot of friends. I can't handle the pressure (for lack of a better word) of feeling responsible for and to a lot of people. At any given time I will have (usually) three good friends. That is all. Those three may change over the years as circumstances change, but it seems that that is the number of people I feel most comfortable with to have an ongoing give and take relationship with at any given time. There may be other friendly acquaintances at the same time, but not what I would put into that almost sacred (to me X-D ) category of "friends."

You have to set your own comfort level. If you are afraid that you are pushing people away because you aren't as demonstrative as others, my answer would be, If you behave in an honest and caring manner, you will find that people will feel comfortable enough to come to you if they need assistance with something. So don't let others set your physical boundaries. If someone you don't feel comfortable with tries to hug you, take a step back. They may feel uncomfortable when they realize their faux pas, so a smile and quick change to a comfortable topic of conversation may be your best response.

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 11:40pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
I say stick your hand out too, and if that doesn't work wave from the other side of the room. It's your space, you make the rules. To hell with settling on feeling awkward that's what I say.

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jun 24th, 2009 12:06am Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
thanks ginj and Toby, that makes sense.

i DO want friends, and i am lonely. i can be outgoing, etc. but i'm learning i have to be outgoing for miles...because people here who DON'T know me already stare at me and feel awkward, and i have to make them feel comfortable even when i am not. i'm not good at that, i'll hafta practice, lol

you are totally right about all this

You have to set your own comfort level. If you are afraid that you are pushing people away because you aren't as demonstrative as others, my answer would be, If you behave in an honest and caring manner, you will find that people will feel comfortable enough to come to you if they need assistance with something. So don't let others set your physical boundaries. If someone you don't feel comfortable with tries to hug you, take a step back. They may feel uncomfortable when they realize their faux pas, so a smile and quick change to a comfortable topic of conversation may be your best response.

perhaps i just need to give myself time and be aware of how i communicate with people.

i think most times different lonely parts of life happen on different days but somedays they overlap to be too much.

i have the no- touching thing and a huge fear of people being untrustworthy,

and then i have people who stare at me and treat me like an alien because they don't know better. or i make THEM feel awkward.

these are two different situations. but they blur into a big "wtf" when i'm upset.

but maybe to fix both these things i'll just need to be a bit braver and focus energy outside on the other people and not worry so much about whether or not they intend me harm

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jun 24th, 2009 12:51am Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
P.S.

however this fella may just be confused because my godfather goes to this church too, and i love him, and have known him all my life. he's a big giant 6'5" gay dude with crazy wavey bright red hair and bright colored ties and socks and i constantly tackle him when i see him.

well, not really. i mean i don't really tackle him. see, he would not be comfortable with that, so i don't!!

but anyways...this other guy is an ok guy... but *not* my godfather. he'll hafta get used to it.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Maren


Member

Posted Wed Jun 24th, 2009 3:54pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
hmm, it seems to me that you think: everything is my fault and I have to change and act like people are expecting.
But communication is no one-way street and if two people have problems they both are responsible for the problems.
If we want to make friends of course we have to be open and outgoing, but we don't have to force ourselves to do things we can't do or don't want to do. (Because our counterpart will notice that we are not authentic - and that would be a difficult beginning of a friendship.)
I can understand you very well - I'm not scared by that hugging-thing but I don't like it because I don't know why I should hug someone I barely know. It should be something special, otherwise it has no importance.
So I try to be friendly but physically reserved.
Don't try to do things you don't like or want. It's not your duty to let other people feel comfortable - anyway this would only work if YOU feel comfortable.
Be who you are and just give people a fair chance.

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IdeaCollector


Member

Posted Thu Jun 25th, 2009 2:28am Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )
i'm a huggy person on the whole with people i feel connected with on some level...michael remember this should you ever meet me and feel free to tell me to sod off. XD

I used to be EternalStudent on these forums until the switch over. So don't get excited..I'm not someone new and exciting. I'm just me :P

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jun 25th, 2009 4:29pm Post subject: raah rah rahhg? (i took out the whimpering :) )

Be who you are and just give people a fair chance.

ah...it's the "giving a fair chance" part i'm not sure i've been doin good at lately...but yeah i'm bein a bit beating-myself-up when i start thinking about this stuff. it is a 2way thing and i completely know what you mean that being-yourself is somehow...a magic of it's own that i should trust. (ok maybe not *magic* but i don't know how else to explain how humans sense someone being themselves & being comfortable. we do. and every good relationship i've had has been ones where i felt completely free to be myself...or i risked being myself and put worries aside)

don't know if that ( ) makes any sense

but thanks Maren!! much appreciated

and, EternalStudent, lol...i feel i know you well enough now that it wouldn't bother me!

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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