STEPHEN FRY

Hey spink - I dunno, if the reasons you list are the only factors, I reckon I'd maybe give it a try in any case.

1) isn't by itself a reason not to do something - I mean every time you do something new, you start without experience.

2) Looking for a stable relationship is a valid thing to do - you could just say straight out that you want a stable relationship rather than a fling, and if the other person wants the same thing then take it forward?

3) I'd like to think that being lovable isn't contingent on having or not having had any particular condition or illness.

Just my 2c

Spink, I come from a large extended family and most of us have one type of mental illness or another. For the most part bipolar.

I can sum my relatives up like this: They are exactly the same drunk as sober. Get the picture?

And yet most are married. I am bipolar and have husband and two grown up children. My daughter 21 is bipolar. She has a long term boyfriend who is learning and adjusting to her illness.

Nitro, another forum member, said the other day, (I think is was Nitro), something along the lines of people having baggage and it's about finding someone who can carry the baggage. And that's about right.

My illness has dominated my existence. My behaviour has been bizarre, outrageous and sometimes I become hugely uncommunicative. I am not an average easy person to live with. Husband says it's like I've got three distinct personalities which rapidly alternate so he never knows what my reaction to anything will be.

He also said, a couple of weeks ago, and I repeat this blushingly, merely to illustrate a point, 'I think you are wonderful. Everything's so hard for you and yet you always try your best. Not many people would do that'.

And that's it, I think, by a trial and error method, finding the person who isn't expecting you to be something that you can't be. But loving you and liking you for the little bit that you can give. And all I can give is that. Just a bit of myself. But I keep trying.

I have relatives who are massively ill and unstable and yet we all seem to have found people who can just say, 'Oh well..........' and enjoy the few good bits.

If a person is 'scared away' then that's probably a good thing. It might just mean that they can't fit in with you properly, and that means less heartache in the long run.

I'm pretty certain you will find 'the right one'. Don't be afraid.

You make a good point here about being with someone who allows you space. Most people need space, but when you have a mental illness it is, I feel, an essential thing.

Nyahaha (new word), I almost got it right. If it wasn't for the fact I got it wrong.

'...and I know it's true, but can't help feeling like he deserves better. "

This is a pretty concrete example of why it's understood that feelings are not always facts, but facts are always facts Hope that doesn't sound too wonky...sometimes your feelings and perceptions have to 'catch up' to the facts before they're in parallel to each other, which is usually when things feel more natural and people are more confident.

Would it be over-stepping my bounds by saying that I think you could also try accepting that a negative perception of yourself is also not necessarily 'true' or fact? Thoughts are not facts. And feelings often follow thoughts. It sounds wildly corny but sometimes the corniest things are true: try asking yourself what putting yourself down actually achieves for you? Nothing? More bad feelings? Anything useful?

You learned to put yourself down. Isn't is just as fair to the facts that you see what's good about yourself? If it makes you feel better, even a little bit, it's worth the effort probably...Besides, it's kind of normal to occasionally think someone is better than you because maybe they do something you don't...but it doesn't really make them 'better', so much as different...

anyway, to the OP..I think Tito summed it all up when she said ( pardon my rephrasing here Tito ) that you're better off without someone who might make you feel worse or 'bad' for being bi-polar.

I'll stop blathering now...

Spink go for it. I spent a lot of years on my own after 2 very violent relationships I now have the love of a wonderful man and it is so very special. I did not tell him of my bipolar at first but as i got to know this special man knew it would make no difference. Its makes life so much easier having someone who cares in your life. Remember people are in your life for a reason and he will be the first one to let you know if your bipolar becomes a problem for him. Dont shut yourself away from something that could end up being something so special in your life. Live Baby Live xxx