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Icequeen


Member

Posted Mon Sep 30th, 2013 9:17am Post subject: Same old...?

Well hi there peeps...

so the past 3 years have been rough... i left a 10 year relationship, my Grandma died 2 months later, then my uncle passed on 6 months after that (That was the rugning point, unbeknown to me, but i developed a "tick"...) my life went a bit off the rails, i became unresponsible, like a child, i kept no plans or loyalties to friends and families, i just tended to "flit" from here to there. i bought my own house, there's been work stress, i visited the doctors a couple of times with my feelings but they were never bothered and told me "summers nearly here, the sun always make you feel better..." so i kept hiding behind my smile. i'd often cry behind closed doors... a year ago i got in a relationship, everything was amazing until May, when he lost his mum and dad 2 weeks apart (Cancer... ) but he hit grieving and depresssion, psychotic depression but he refused help so i supported him, i was always there for him taking his emotions face on, happiness, anger, whatever... he went to stay 200 miles away with his son for a week 3 weeks ago ... when he left, i crashed, big time... him beinbg away was like a release (in a so not horrible way... i dont mean to be horrible by that) but it was like everything i;d been bottling up for these years "peaked" and coudl finally the demon came out,... i woke up one Friday morning and rather than my usual self, i felt low, down and black and that was it... i suddenly felt my life was a waste, i was at rock bottom, there was nothing left, my life was empty and why should i get out of bed... but i did, i dragged myself to work and immeditely got on the phone to the doctor... 3 doctors visits later and i'm now on my second week of Citalopram 20mg... first week was mostyl bad days of lots tears, this weekend i have felt numb though, like i can't cry, i can't smile, i dont want to do either of those things ... i feel empty... i know its these med's, i almost feel i';m fighting them and i WANT to feel down again, why can't i cry, why can't i be happy...? I take them at night time, they make me feel a bit sicky and drowsey and queezy, but getting to sleep isn't easy however i DO wake up in the mornings now so i figure thats the best... i used to wake up every day crying, for hours... i kind of want to believe this numb and empty feeling is the start of the beginning of my new happier self... but i don;t know... i really just dont know and i'm not sure what i want, what i want to feel or where i want to be...

I just wanted to air my experience so far... so thanks to anyone listening...

over and out... (for now!)


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Expector73


Member

Posted Tue Oct 1st, 2013 11:50am Post subject: Same old...?

I'm really sorry that I don't know what to say, I just wanted to let you know that I read it.


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