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Marvelon


Member

Posted Wed Dec 24th, 2008 11:06am Post subject: Short Story: Seeing be believing
I wrote this a while ago, my stories don't usually get longer than this. Hope you like it.

I see things that you don't. Ain't nuthing spooky 'bout it, it's just I look in a way differing from yours. You think you're looking but you be deceived. Man told me a long while back, the brain, it's a lazy thing, it don't want to work through all th'information, so when yous looking, you reckon you be seeing everything your eye can catch. Truth be far from it, lazy brain only really looks at about two puhcent of what comes in, and it uses what it already know to fill in the rest. Not my brain, says I, so I's been working on making my brain see the everything again, or at least as much as I can musser. Th'other day I saw me something I ain't likely to forget, come to think of it, it was kinda spooky. I's met someone who done the same thing I did, he's got a smart brain, or it's got him, I still cain't decide. Anyways, his means of contacting me, and others that be looking at the everything, that be the good part.

I's hungry th'other day, so I's make my way down to the made-bread shop and get's myself a sannerich, along with some tea. They's make the best sanneriches ever, don't make no dent in ya pocket and makes ya hunger go on holiday. Now this be a walk I takes offen, I's seen all there is to see - but I makes my brain do the looking. I sees everything, birds hopping by that any other woulda stepped on, kids crying cause they's lost the cream outta their icecream, small plane flying by, hobby'ist man pointing his cam'ra real close to something he see, and want to show others. Pleased my brain too, seeing a pretty girl step out of the hai'dressuh, equal parts flauntin' and trepidatin' while she got nuthing to trepidate 'bout. I smiles and keep looking. Ain't no brain o' mine gone be lazy and not be looking.

As I's walking down to the bread-shop my eye, it be caught by sumthin' I knows my eyes nor my brain ain't seen before. What's this, I asks, I looks around at the other peoples but, as ever, they don't notice what I sees. Some writin’ on the wall between the old-ladies-shoestore and the place they sells that fancy music. I's stopped and thunk I'd investergate what's the writing say, but I looks and looks and the writin' - it be gone!
I stands and looks, but it don't be there no more. Primo! Says I, now my brain ain't lazy no mo' but it's gone altogethers! Praps, thinks I, I's looked too hard and made my brain think it saw something warn't there. My belly gave a good rumble right then, and I figgerd I best be headin' on down the road and see 'bout that tea. Then I sees the writin' again! Like it only be seen when you walks past. So I's doublebacks up the road and walks past again, and there it be, a bit of writing, "OCCULA NON VERITUM," it says in big blocks letters, and written under that "If you can read this, you are close enough."

Now that first text, I think it be some foreign lingo I don't speak. When I read it out it sounds like "Okkaler no Very tum," that might be something doing with my hunger at the time. The second part, I reckon be something like Lady Jones once ‘splained to me, is called a cryptic, that be some text that say one thing but mean 'nother. What it be meaning I cain't guess, I reckon it be someone sees the world like me, but a lot smarter, cause I don't speak no foreign, nor did I come up with something you can only see when you be looking properly. So that's how I first saw the message, I had a double egg sanner from the shop later and the biggest mug o' tea they serve, it was de-licious.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Tue Jan 6th, 2009 1:08am Post subject: Short Story: Seeing be believing
I like the story's theme - people look but they don't see.

I did have a hard time reading the dialect. Sometimes it got in the way of your story, at least for me. Some author (can't remember who it was offhand) said there is a way to use dialect without using dialect, if you see what I mean. If I can remember who it was, I'll post here.

Anyway, quite creative.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Tue Jan 6th, 2009 3:57am Post subject: Short Story: Seeing be believing
I can't add much more than Pam did as I feel similarly about your story. I think it would've been nicer for the reader(s) to at least have some idea of the narrators background or location. Anything to help make sense of the dialect because, for me, it wasn't helpful *not* to know. The vocabulary seems kind of a hodge-podge of slang and inconsistent in a way. Hope that doesn't sound hyper-critical.

Really? Wow.

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Marvelon


Member

Posted Wed Jan 7th, 2009 10:34am Post subject: Short Story: Seeing be believing
The vocabulary seems kind of a hodge-podge of slang and inconsistent in a way. Hope that doesn't sound hyper-critical.

Not at all, thanks for the comments, both

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