STEPHEN FRY

Aww, poor doggy. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but it's very good so I did both. That is a very sweet-looking sad lab you have in your avatar.

Hah! Cheer up, doggo, life is great when you can do what the hell you want! I make it a point to saunter past mutts like you knowing that you can't do a thing about it! As for my "owner", I've got her well trained to obey my every whim. You've got it all wrong, doing the serving. Ah, well, it's just your subservient nature, I suppose. Miaow!!!

Oh man that was funny! We've just got back home after the funniest thing you'll ever see in your life.
I'll set the scene for you:
You know those specialist shops that sell....(NO NOT THOSE ONES!! PERVERTS!) the ones that sell expensive televisions and hi-fi equipment?
well some of them have a booth set out like a living room so the poor mug who has more cash than sense can experience what the over-priced thing will look & sound like in a real setting....yeh I know I'm getting bored just writing it, bear with me. (luddites!)
SO he's been in there to buy his gigantic tv and co-coincidently, this booth isn't so different to his own living room, he doesn't have a lot in it. He says it's because he's blind, I think it's because he's too bloody tight to buy anything he can't actually see properly, oh never mind visitors and what they'd like to see, oh no. Selfish swine.
Where was I? oh yeh, well as you know our visually impaired friend, likes a drink, oooh does he like to drink?
So I take him to his favourite pub in the town, & he lets loose on the beer, several hours later he wants me to take him home. Now I'm feeling a bit mischievous, because the tight bleeder hasn't so much as bought me a bag of crisps! it was up the the barmaid to give me some water, so I''ve already decided to get my own back.
"Home James!" he shouts at me. He always does that when he's pissed, thinks it's funny he does.
Well as we get up to this shop with the booth, I feel a plan coming on, as knowing he's pissed and not concentrating I just take him straight into the shop, and through to the booth at the back, I give my glare to the spotty oik that starts to come and talk to us, this puts him off, & I take my drunk blind fool into the booth and shut the door with my nose, and lead him to the couch which is front of a huge tv screen already showing the news.
Now he thinks he's in his living room. So what does he do? He does what he always does! strips down to his vest and undies and starts scratching himself!! I kid you not. Now we've already started to get a bit of attention form the staff & customers who are pressing their faces to the glass windows of the booth, I wont let anyone in, and show my teeth on regular occasions.
After about ten minutes of scratching his balls and chest, (oh god he even sniffed his fingers at one point) he decides to go to the toilet, this is where the fun really starts! obviously he can't find the door, it's a booth with three glass walls and a tv screen, now he's like Marcel Marceau, miming but this is actually for real, he IS in a glass box. Oh man it was funny to see him backwards & forwards trying to find something he recognised! By now there's a crowd watching a drunken nearly naked man and an angry looking dog in a glass box trying to get out. In the end he can't hold it in & in front of everyone he just leans up to the glass and relives himself in front of them.
The end is nigh I thought, so I let the staff in and look as innocent as I can while they get him dressed and try to explain where he is! FUNNY? oh my god yes.
He's in bed now sleeping it off. He wont remember tomorrow.

I have a sympathetic view on the woman who put the cat in the bin recently. Oh I know all you animal lovers squealed and complained in your droves and there were many "Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells" letters sent to the Editor of every newspaper, tv channel and ladies gossip magazine, but come on really!
I hear a certain town council is thinking of adding cat flaps to their wheelie bins in a bid to appease the Health & Safety and animal groups.
And I'm not the first to point out that top Cat lived in a bin!
Give the poor lady a chance. She's trying very hard to be good as you can see on her twitter account: @CatBinLady

Mind you if she tried that on me I'd bite her fecking arms off!

Dear friends, that previous post was meant to be in Braille, sorry for confusion. The dog is no longer.
xx