|Posted Fri Mar 2nd, 2012 12:47pm Post subject: Stacking the Sandbags
Whenever depression comes around (I'm uni-polar so no mania) I feel inadequate and that I am a worthless human being. At the moment I am feeling a bit better after many years of being depressed at varying levels.
So I'm trying to prepare as best as I can for the next depression, all the while fearing that there is nothing that I can do to help. For example, I have been working as hard as possible at work so that I may be able to have a sense of achievement. I'm trying to do anything to avoid feeling like a failure.
But I can feel it coming back already and the sandbags I thought I had put up actually make it worse. Now I feel like I'm a failure *and* that I've somehow manipulated people into thinking that I am successful at what I do. I know now that it's not true but wait a few weeks and nothing will convince me otherwise.
I always feel like I'm trying to hold on to a cliff by my fingernails and I'm slowly losing my grip. It's almost a relief when I fall down into depression because it is so tiring trying to hold myself up. That's a horrible thing to say, it makes me so weak.
What frightens me is how severe my last really deep one was when I attempted suicide three times in six months. Will it be that bad again? During that time I believed that suicide was the best option, nay, the only moral option. I was a drain on the world and it would be best for the world if I voluntarily removed myself. What a shame it was to wake up each time in ICU and realise I'd just created more of a drain on the time of the valuable doctors.
TLDR: I suck at life and deserve to die but no one will allow me that freedom.
That's way too much writing about me but it is the background. So really, I just want to know how do others prepare when they know it is coming back? Once I pass the 'event horizon' there is nothing I can do so all things must be put in place ASAP.
|Posted Sat Mar 3rd, 2012 7:27pm Post subject: Stacking the Sandbags
I feel the same most of the time.
I don't think you can rationally prepare for irrational feelings.. whatever you do, when depression hits you are going to feel awful.. you could be superman or mother Teresa, or awesome mc'awesomeface the awesome dude who is awesome at all other times and still feel like the worse person on earth when you're down... Which is how you know that the down feelings are not right... Though how you tell yourself that when you really need to know it, I have no idea.. Actually flash was cooler than superman, can I be flash?
Even the people who make me feel better, make me feel worse, because my sadness makes them sad... and I'm draining their energy...
When I'm depressed, I feel like it's weak, and I'm pathetic,... but when I'm not, I don't think it is.. and sometimes I get a bit ego-maniacal and think all the fucked up people are way more strong and awesome then all those damn 'normal' people who are OK and just contribute to society like stupid normal OK drones...
I think all you can do is, is make sure people close to you know how you're feeling, and talk to someone who's paid not to be annoyed by you.... I just try to keep my mind occupied, with books, music, movies, and watch a lot of comedy, laughing is good... and slightly less healthy things like alcohol and drugs.. My dog helps.. everyone should have a non judgemental, forgiving cuddly critter, who doesn't mind getting snotty fur.. exercise is probably good too... but I've got a fucked up leg, and a fear that the nosy neighbours are watching everything I do...
It's probably different for everyone, anyway... Depression is a symptom that could be caused by different things.. treating it all the same would be like treating ever sore foot the same.. some my be broken or burnt or bitten... or other things that don't begin with b...