Unbelievably, I survived a serious suicide attempt a few months back, was released from a psychiatric ward after around ten days and have been sitting at a relatives house ever since unable to move forward. I have, to my relatives frustration refused to speak with a psychologist as recommended, as i have absolutely zero interest in anything, and zero interest in becoming interested! I'm not interested in making goals, nothing seems to interest me enough to bother trying to make any changes I'm not taking any medication...informed the Psychiatrist at the hosptial a few months back that i had tried Zoloft many years ago, and that it had made me feel very edgy and weird. Apparently SSRI's can cause problems for some people, so they seemed somewhat reluctant to prescribe them or anything else as i guess they were worried i may use it to overdose. Anyway, sorry to sound so gloomy and doomy, not really looking for advice, more wondering if anyone else is in the same situation?
| Topic RSS | Reply to topic | ||||
| Author | Post | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
crystalize |
Posted Sat Jan 23rd, 2010 6:37pm Post subject: STUCK
|
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
marzgirl |
Posted Sun Jan 24th, 2010 1:55am Post subject: STUCK
Do you have a specific diagnosis? When I was on Zoloft it gave me terrible insomnia. Doc switched me to Celexa and Ambien, but I don't really think the Celexa was doing much. I moved to another state and went to a new Doc. The first thing he noticed on my patient question form was my terrible hand writting (I thought all lefties had bad hand writting I feel better. My son is 11 and is bipolar/ADHD. I think my lack of motivation in the past was because everything was just too overwhelming, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to finish, I did not even know where to start.........Also the fear of failure, and in my mind if you don't even start or try you can't fail. I am learning I have to take care of myself to take care of my family. So what if the floors don't get mopped today? They will still be dirty and waiting tomorrow. If I need to just chill and do nothing so I can function the next day, then so be it. I don't know if any of this helps or sounds familiar. Regardless, I am happy to chat more and listen. XXXX "Needless to say I have some ununusual habits, yet all these socially acceptable people can't wait to pick up hammers and smash their food to bits. Normal people are so hostile." |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Sun Jan 24th, 2010 5:54pm Post subject: STUCK
|
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Sun Jan 24th, 2010 7:23pm Post subject: STUCK
Hi, thanks so much for the reply. Well i'm not ADHD but have had an eating disorder for over six years. The last couple of years before my suicide attempt it had become all consuming, rediculously out of control. I was like a heroin addict! I was living in Australia and had worked as an erotic maseusse (massage with a happy ending!) for ten years. I really wanted to stop but didn't find it so easy as you become used to making good money and having a nice lifestyle, used to working when you want and the clients and other girls are all scarily normal! Its not as seedy and frowned upon as in this country! Also you have to explain what you've been doing for all those years to any future employer's etc. Anyway even if i had wanted to continue over half my hair had fallen out due to my eating disorder i looked like shit and it was starting to get embarassing. My low Potassium levels were causing me severe cramps so i could hardly walk or excersise at times, the emamel on my teeth was detiorating and i still couldn't stop. I recieved notice from my landlord that the apartment i was renting had been sold so i would have to move. The rents in Sydney had recently skyrocketed which meant i was going to have to live in a dump if i was going to get a normal job,and there were 20 or 30 people showing up and fighting over the few crappy places that were available. Anyway suddenly i decided it was all pointless and not worth the bother. Its odd because i'd been through much worse and never consdered suicide, only ever thought stuff would make me stronger. My dad had commited suicide ten years earlier so i'm well aware of how devestaing it is for family. That wasn't anywhere near enough to deter me though. EVery minute of every day felt completely and utterly unbearable. I felf hideous and utterly disgusting and couldn't stand to be in my skin. I was pretty sure a Psychiatrist would just suggest counselling and a dietician bla bla which felt completley inadequate to me. I did go and talk to one but he said exactly what i thought he'd say and i just felt even more determined that death was the only option. My only way of getting peace and relief. I gave some of my stuff away, put my furniture into storage, and sold my car then booked a flight to the uk. My family live here and i didn't want them to have to sit on a plane and go all the way to Australia to deal with my death, so thought it would be a least a little bit easier on them. I booked myself into a hotel and had such a nice last day. I took a massive overdose mixed with a lot of alcohol and was so sure that that would be enough and i would finally get some peace! That wasn't wasn't the case though. Like i said i'm still here and i really can't believe it! Anyway i've probably put you to sleep by now, i've gone on a bit so i'll give it a rest...thanks C |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
marzgirl |
Posted Sun Jan 24th, 2010 9:35pm Post subject: STUCK
No, you did not put me to sleep. Wish I had more suggestions but I am afraid I don't really. I do think you should see a psychiatrist and therapist. There is no overnight fix all. These things take time. Not all meds work for everyone and it might take some time to find what works for you. The process sounds more trouble than it is worth right now, but I assure you, you are worth putting the time and effort into. Think about it like this perhaps......if a friend came to you and told you all of these things, would you tell that friend "yeah you are right. your life is hopeless, you might as well end it all." I have a strong feeling you would not. So please don't tell these things to yourself. XXXX "Needless to say I have some ununusual habits, yet all these socially acceptable people can't wait to pick up hammers and smash their food to bits. Normal people are so hostile." |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Mon Jan 25th, 2010 4:46pm Post subject: STUCK
Hi Marzgirl, No i wouldn't tell my worst enemy that never mind a friend. Ahhh if only i were clever enough to follow the advice i give to other people, i'd be a very well balanced and happy millionaire by now! Thanks for chatting C |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
michael |
Posted Mon Jan 25th, 2010 5:23pm Post subject: STUCK
i've seen a few folks on here say that Zoloft didn't work well or made them feel worse. that's not to say it's a bad option; it works great for some people... why did what the psych told you earlier (in sydney) make you feel worse? was it because he only suggested counseling and a dietitian, and does that not help you much? (just making sure i understand your story) is that the same person you spoke to about the zoloft experience? have you been to anyone since then? it is tricky...esp since some meds aren't good for people with eating disorders... or so i've heard... but it can all be worked through it is a bit of a labyrinth, working your way through... but you've been through a lot of stuff, huge earthquake like changes it seems... you may feel like you have zero energy and motivation but i think you have a secret second engine! "HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Mon Jan 25th, 2010 7:05pm Post subject: STUCK
Hello Michael, Hmmm, a secret second engine you say? I'll have a look around! Just to clarify, the first time i met with a Psychiatrist was over ten years ago, just after my dad killed himself. I wasn't, and had never been suicidal back then more full of guilt over my dad. I saw her a few times, she gave me the Zoloft which i tried for a couple of weeks, but felt so edgy and weird on it that i stopped and havent tried any form of medication again since. The second time i visited a Psychiatrist was in August 09. He was at an eating disorder clinic. I had already decided to die. I went pretty sure i already knew what he would suggest, but went anyway just on the off chance there was some miracle cure out there i didn't know about. Or perhaps just in case he had a magic wand he could wave and make everything better. I guess what i'm really saying is it felt like only something very drastic, or a miracle would be enough to stop my bulimia, it was so consuming and out of control. So anyway it's not that i felt worse afer that visit, more that i felt convinced there really was no help. I told him what i thought a dietician would say and he agreed. And i already spent all day trying to avoid trigger's etc. To be fair, if he knew i already had a packet of pills in my bag, and had already decided to die i'm sure he would have taken a different course of action. It's funny but being hospitalised after my suicide attempt, then Anyway now i'm in this weird no man's land. My mum and sister begging me not to leave them just fills me with more guilt, and guilt just makes me not want to be here even more. I'm not remotely interested in medication or councelling or getting help, but that sounds so depressing doesn't it and i hate to whine! I do kind of like talking on this site though, thanks Michael. C |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
michael |
Posted Mon Jan 25th, 2010 8:15pm Post subject: STUCK
Your feelings about the guilt and the sort of.. my-depression-sounds-so-depressing-and-i-don't-want-to-whine stuff is a fast cycle my mind goes through from time to time, too! but you're not whining, it doesn't sound like that to me at all. it's a valid health issue, like breaking a leg, etc. having depression doesn't mean you're a weak person. the way you feel, unmotivated about getting help, might just be another symptom of it. i don't want to sound like i'm pushing you to do something you don't want to do, but keep your options of counseling or trying another medicine (or both) in mind, you're definitely NOT an impossible case, there's a lot of different things you can do to help yourself out. Do you have certain misgivings about treatment? Do you have any questions about it we can help with? good for you for the family stay helping you out! it can give you a chance to rest...that's good! i've stayed with family after bad times too, and def. understand your "no man's land" feeling. it IS big UNKNOWN territory. glad you like talking on here "HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 1:13pm Post subject: STUCK
Hello Michael, Tell me if you have suicidal thoughts from time to time, what keeps you alive? What's a fast cycle? It seems to me to want to live you need some kind of purpose, good or bad, for being here. AS to misgivings about treatment, it's just a case of help, i assume, is actually me realizing that i need to make certain changes in my life, then making those changes. I already understand that i am responsible for my own life. I already realize that there are things that need to change, but nothing interests me enough, not even remotely enough, to make making those changes worth while! Even, let's say if everything were how i imaginged it to be in a perfect world, well that's all well and good in fantasy la la land but even fantasy la la land would become same old, same old once turned into reality. I feel trapped. Trapped in this body. Trapped on a planet full of fruit loops who think the world's a great place! It's not actually that great!!! You seem very knowledable on the subject, is it your area or work or more from personal experience? C |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
michael |
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 5:38pm Post subject: STUCK
Hi Crystalize! i guess i meant, like my mind thinks through that stuff very quickly. i shoulda said "spiral" or something, since "cycle" has a different meaning, esp with bipolar disorder. and nah, i'm not knowledgable, def not as much as some other folks on here as far as a purpose goes... that all depends ... for me, the idea that we NEED to have a purpose is a burden that humans somehow brought to life on earth. i don't believe that life is pointless, just that: having a purpose as a prerequisite, BEFORE allowing yourself life, doesn't make sense or seem natural to me. but my attitude is often more like an animal's, lol. you're a really intelligent person (a guess it is likely a good part of your disinterest in ANY activities is coming from the illness... and yet, activity, physical and mental, is a huge part of curing it. for me, i really had to force myself to do things. not the typical things i was doing before, but new stuff... random stuff. i kept a calendar of how many days i'd made it since the last time i thought about killing myself (yeah, sounds like prison i guess, lol) and i'd go to the library and say "you're going to learn about whatever the first book is you touch... and if you don't get into that, come back" so now i know like 3 words in italian (learned that i suck at foreign languages, lol), the history of mapmaking, how to keep a baseball scorecard, different types of poetry, blah blah blah and playing the banjo. it started a bit like forcing myself, like swimming upstream, but the banjo, i liked it. it helped me find peace and relief from depression and psychosis... and now i have a banjo. everyone finds thier own unique ways...part of why i like hanging out here "HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
michael |
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 5:38pm Post subject: STUCK
damn that was long for someone who doesn't know philosophy or psychology, sorry, lol... i guess i'm chatty "HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
crystalize |
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 7:16pm Post subject: STUCK
Hmmm, For someone who isn't very knowledgable you certainly talk a lot of sense! I can see that my lack of interest may have something to do with illness, if that's what it is. At around the same time i decided to die i completely lost interest in excercising, which had been my passion and stress relief for almost 20 years. I had also developed a love for writing, and had started on a novel, but did'nt want to know about that anymore either so i can see the two things are related. When you say 'attitude of an animal's,' do you mean as in an animal fights for its survival regardless of purpose? I'm not sure i'm convinced we fight for survival like animals do, not unless we have children to protect anyway. I think maybe we just fight to avoid pain. For instance, i'm suicidal, but if you were to drop me in the ocean next to a raft, circled by Tiger sharks, i assure you i'd be fighting with everything i had to drag myself up onto that raft! I may not want to exist but being eaten alive by a bunch of big fish really isn't my cup of tea! Do you think the right kind of medication would lift my lack of interest? I would seriously have to force myself to go and get it! Anyway whatever you do, keep that banjo away from me, that could just send me over the edge! |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
michael |
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 9:45pm Post subject: STUCK
HAHAHAHA!!! one person's cure could drive another person insane! i love the thought... yes, for sure, the right medication can help with your disinterest. what my counselor told me when i went on medication was pretty simple: yes, there are lifestyle changes you can make that help fight depression, like exercise and diet and new activities and socializing and volunteering etc... but sometimes the depression goes for so long, or is so intense, that you just don't have the energy or desire to even begin those lifestyle changes that fight it. does that make sense? and for some folks, after they get back on their feet, they can start going off the meds. other folks stay on them. it all depends on your situation. as for animals... hmm... i think when i had hard times with suicidal thoughts, yeah, i did kinda think of animals fighting hard to live... cause that's kinda what it felt like! now i kinda think of it like... how animals can get pleasure out of lots of things in the world, even though much of the world is dangerous and fucked up. i dunno, i'm kinda rambling now. i'm a wierdo. i'd probly rather be eaten by sharks, 'cos at least the shark would get something useful out of me! but no, really, i don't want to be eaten by sharks because i like being around, i really do. and what you're saying about pain is right on... "HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name |
|||
| Back to top | ||||
|
Posted Tue Jan 26th, 2010 10:15pm Post subject: STUCK
Hi Crystalize, I am about 7 years down the road you are on (if you don't get off it). Like you I survived a few serious suicide attempts, I actually died twice but the bastards brought me back. I was in hospital longer than you but finally released into the care of relatives at the age of 28... and I've just (yesterday) celebrated by 35th birthday still at home and still unmotivated.... some people will jump in here and say but you wrote 2 books, you volunteer for the bipolar foundation, and you moderate this site, but that all came recently really. Say the last 3 years. But my life is still a total mess, I am constantly suicidal, I still live with my parents when my younger sister has a proper job, a house, a husband and a baby - all I have are academic qualifications that get me nowhere with my illness history. Like you I had an eating disorder. I was anorexic for 15 years. I also have bipolar I disorder since I was 5. KSx I am an administrator on this site. "I'm safe, up high, See my website: www.katysaraculling.com |
||||
| Back to top | ||||
). He asked me more questions about school and such and told me he thought it sounded like I have ADHD and always have. He kept me on the Celexa, and Ambien and added Adderall for the ADHD and Xanax because I started having panic attacks.
c
Reply »
You must log in to post.
