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DRL
Member
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Posted Wed Feb 10th, 2010 11:24pm Post subject: Stuck... and very tired...
It's been a long time since I've last been here. A few months, maybe?
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just tired... I don't want anything out of my life. I don't want to not be alive, but I wouldn't know why to continue doing it. There's nothing in it for me.
I can't be independent. I can't take on responsibility. I'm basically just waiting for everything to collapse.
I can't even write about it. My only valid source of pleasure doesn't work anymore: I hate what I've written and I can't write anything else...
I won't kid myself with suicide. I know I'm too weak to do that.
Don't quite know what I will do. The world is going to eat me... I'm not even there yet: I'm safe and holed up inside my room and I can already feel it nibbling at me.
I'm tired of fixing myself. I can't be taught to be less weak. I suppose I could go to bed each night hoping that it's the survival of the fittest all over again and I'll be discarded because I don't matter. That's what I see in my future anyway... I'm barely there. I do not matter. Might as well get it over with.
I don't know what to do with this...
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greentree
Member
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Posted Fri Feb 12th, 2010 9:31am Post subject: Stuck... and very tired...
hey DRL.....
i dunno what to say, sorry. I have a couple of questions though....
are you still seeing the psychiatrist? how's that going?
is there any reason you couldn't be independent? medical, i mean? i don't know how old you are, but when you get to 18 or whatever, could you be independent?
i guess next question is, would you want to be? (i know not everyone does)
i guess the other thing to say is that you don't have to fix yourself. Not on your own anyway. Ultimately, yes we all have to fix ourselves, but with the help of docs, psychiatrists, therapists, counsellors, friends, parents, whoever.......
it might feel like you have to fix yourself, and that doing that is a mountain that just isn't worth climbing, but it's not an overnight process, and (as far as i can see) cos it happens slowly, one day you get to a point where you suddenly look back and go 'Oh, how did i get up here? How did that happen?'
If i think back a year, when i was in the depths of depression, i can see how far i've come. I'm not out of it yet, not by a long way, but things have changed. And that's been slowly, and with the help of various other people.
that's prob not much help at all....... sorry.... 
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judasishmael
Member
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Posted Sat Feb 13th, 2010 12:36pm Post subject: Stuck... and very tired...
I've been there. I call this kind of apathy the dead zone. When I was there, I almost missed the pain of the depression...at least then I had something to feel. I have so many entries in my journal saying just what you've said. The fatigue of going through so many extreme emotions takes its toll. You don't even care about the things you use to, the things you want to care about, but just don't have the energy to.
As far as waiting for everything to collapse...I suppose technically everything could, but likely only a coiuple things will be laid to the wayside. No matter how you feel right now, things keep happening, and it's just as Darwin said (and this is true), it's not the fittest that survive, but the most adaptable. If you can make it through the hurt and if you can make it through the apathy, then you will prevail. You may not feel like there's anything to prevail toward right now, but you obviously keep going even if you don't know why yet. Why not embrace you feelings (or lack there of) and publish a journal of them. Could be a best seller. People in pain love to know they're not the only one who feels that way. Takes the edge off and maybe you could plug your book on the Daily Show. Maybe everything you're feeling right now will one day help someone else. I'm a cashier and can meet up to 200 people a day. I watch and listen to them while they don't even know I exist and most people have problems. They don't have enough money to pay for everything, they are confused by the credit card gizmo because their spouse of 40 years who did all the shopping died recently, they are dragging around three crying children and feel like the worst parent in the world when people keep staring... But then the person behind them gives them the extra ten bucks, I gently guide the septagenrean through the credit card gizmo, a passerby coos at the crying children... Even when you feel as bad as you do, you still have something to offer. I think it is great that you write on this forum because you are sharing details about an illness that one can rarely speak of to another without pause. You make me feel less alone by sharing your "weaknesses" when many would just hide them, and for that, you are strong.
The "flaws" that move us to hurt move us also to share our pain with others, thereby making others feel less alone and, thereby, becoming a vital link in a chain reaction of, subtle though it may seem, healing.
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