STEPHEN FRY

I am coming back to this cause I have been wondering the same round about thing myself.
I really need to go to bed tho.

i don't think there's an easy answer to it, flip, but it can help to either try to work on both supposed causes or try to figure out your own little signals to yourself, if that makes sense.

it sounds like there's definitely a lot going on in your life! and its perfectly normal to go through some grieving and go through some sadness, especially with your mom's situation.

i guess the best thing i can think of to talk about is, do you feel yourself get sad or down after particular events or discussions? do you feel particularly like your mood is attached to those things? or do you feel like all kinds of days, events, activities are kinda dampened?

the counseling could be a good thing to go back to. particularly because the things going on with your mom. even if it doesn't feel like progress... just maintaining ... that's good too.

Ugh.Yeah. Currently in the longest running depressed period that I fear will never end. The only way to get out of my brain is to sleep and I fucking hate that cause I have 2 kids who need their mom!

I don't know how to make a long story short as some of you know. My son is bipolar and at age 20months his dad who he was not familiar with at all took him from me to another state under the guise of just being in town to visit. Took me 5 months of court dealings to get him back and he suffered severe seperation anxiety when he got back. If my son could not see me he freaked out totally!! I had to go so far as to get a clear shower curtain so he could see me because just me talking and poking my head out every so often was not good enough. He just stood there screaming and crying. I started us both in therapy right away and I learned alot about child development, milestones, ect....

Now after all my years of therapy wondering if a glitch in my development along these lines did not happen as well, thus exacerbating my pre disposition to depression. I am named after my mom's sister who died when she was 15. From at least age 4 my grandmother compared me to her alot such as "your aunt would never talk to her mother that way" or "your aunt would never treat her sisters that way" in response to something I would say or do to my mom or sisters. my aunt was perfect. then i got the idea in my head that i was going to die at age 15. when i would brush my hair or wash my hair and hair would fall out i thought i had cancer when i was 13. did not know chemo caused hair loss, thought cancer did so i did not tell anyone "i have cancer" because i did not want anyone to take me to the doc and try to be saved cause i thought i was supposed to die. i also thought that a fitting "fuck you" to everyone if i did at least one thing like my dead aunt.

Obviously I did not die but got pretty rebelious in thinking as the saying goes "only the good die young". That was an affirmation in my mind that i was as bad as i thought or was expected to be or whatever.

I just wonder if all that comparing going on at such a young age damaged my development as far as having a sense of "self"? I never understood growing up how my peers could be so sure of "this is what i want to do when.....". Any time I was asked i said i did not know. i would decide when i grew up. could be why i never followed through with things because i expected to die so what was the point and that has carried on well after. I feel like I am 37 in dog years. seriously.

i had an appt yesterday to see if i qualified for a trial study for a possible new antidepressant drug and i did not make the cut due to possible interaction with a migrain prevention med i take. i am bumbed.

i think it is some chemical some circumstantial. some people have the worst of upbringings and have the greatest of adulthoods. those people are not inherently predisposed to chemical imbalance. others have run of the mill up bringings, nothing too dramatic good or bad and end up sitting where i am right now.

ugh, i feel like a rambleing and disjointed idiot atm. break time. hope some of this made some sense, helped, or was in any way identifiable.

back later.

xxxxx