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Clive


Member

Posted Sun Jun 24th, 2012 9:40pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

Argh. I just watched this. I needed to express somewhere how FRUSTRATED I am at its utter implausibility! I mean, the actual premise isn't that bad. It's just... well... I feel really awful for saying this, but those girls - they were really asking to be made into a centipede. The way they handled things from the very beginning was incredibly stupid.

Spoiler Alert! And warning, for this film contains some nasty themes, as you've probably heard reputed, lol. I don't describe anything in detail though



If you haven't seen this film, then it can be summed up pretty effectively thusly:

Stereotypically American Girl 1: Let's drive out into the middle of nowhere in an unfamiliar foreign country where we don't know the language, without bringing along a spare tyre or acquiring the knowledge of how to change a tyre, should perchance one of our tyres burst on our creepy creepy journey.

American Girl 2: Isn't that a horror film cliche?

American Girl 1: Yes, but we've got bum-holes surgically attached to mouths later on in the film, so we can get away with a bit of implausibility and everyone will still call this film 'Frighteningly real.'

AG 1: Oh noes! Our front left tyre has burst.

AG 2: Bummer. What should we do? Should we stay with the car? Wait until morning, when there'll be more traffic on the roads and we can flag someone down to help us? Attempt to see how far we can drive with a flat tyre? We might manage to reach a service station.

AG 1: I think we should wander into the woods.

AG 2: Are you sure?

AG 1: Totally.

AG 2: Fine.

[They wander into the woods]

AG 1: OMG! We're lost in the woods!

AG 2: Don't worry. There's a creepy house.

AG 1: Yey!

[They knock on the door. BLATANTLY CREEPY MAN answers]

Blatantly Creepy Man: Hallooooo.

AG 1: Omg, let us in, we're totally lost.

Blatantly Creepy Man: Come into my stark white frightening home. Observe the black candles on the coffee table, and the conjoined-twin foetus artwork on the walls.

AG 2: You have a lovely home.

BCM: Would you like an obviously spiked drink?

AG 1: Yey!

[They chug the obviously spiked drinks]

[Half an hour later]

AG 1: Oh noes! Why am I tied to this hospital bed?!

AG 2: Scream! Let me out! Scream!

Creepy Man: I am going to sew your bum holes to each others mouths and make you into a human centipedy thingy along with this young rather attractive East Asian man.

AG 1: Oh noes!

Creepy man: First I am going to leave you alone for a couple of hours while I do weird creepy things.

[A couple of hours later]

Creepy Man: Now it is time for the loony operation! Don't worry - I did this with some dogs first.

I will inject you all with general anaesthetic! Yey.

First the East Asian man.

Then American Girl 1.

Ho hum. Ho hum hum.

AG 2: Oh. These arm restraints come right off if I actually try.

I am escaped!

[Run run run]

Aha! An open window! Should I run to freedom and get help?

No. Best go back down into the cellar-cum-operating room, untie my irretrievably comatose friend and attempt to drag her unconscious dead weight out with me at a snail's pace.

Creepy Man: Aha! I have caught yous.

AG 2: Oh noes!

[Centipede operation]

Creepy Man: You are now a centipede! Do things!

Centipede: No. You're mean.

[Days pass. Two policeman come knocking on the door of the Creepy House]

Policeman: We suspect you've kidnapped some peoples and made them into a centipede.

Creepy Man: Who, me?

Policeman: Yeah.

Creepy Man: Would you like an obviously spiked drink?

Policeman 2: Yey!

[He chugs the obviously spiked drink]

Policeman 1: Now we've partaken of refreshments, we'll be back in fifteen minutes with a search warrant.

[Meanwhile, the centipede has managed to get hold of a scalpel]

Creepy Man: Hello, Centipede, how are you... ARGH! You've stabbed me in the leg! Argh! You've bitten me once in the neck! I am all collapsed. You should probably check that I'm actually dead, though, before you g... oh well. He's gone.

Policeman 1: We're back!

Policeman 2: I don't feel so good.

Creepy Man: I'm still alive! I shall overpower and shoot Policeman 2!

[Gunshot]

Policeman 1: Oh, my colleague is shot! I'll just stand here and wail my colleague's name as I look at his dead body in the water of this swimming pool, without looking around at all to see whether his assailant is still in the r... oh poo, I've been shot too.

[Elsewhere in the house]

Man at front of centipede: I succumb to horrendously stereotypical Japanese self-flagellation! I am an insect! I deserve all of this. I kill myself.

Girl at back of centipede: I have ingested too much recycled poo. I die.

Girl in middle of centipede: Oh crap.

[Trees].

'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'

(E.L. Wisty)

My Attempt at Tumbling

Twitter: @CliveLive49

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05s161


Member

Posted Tue Jun 26th, 2012 1:15pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

this film is a great film it is a typical horror set up but try watching the second human centipede it just gets better you cant say you dont like this film if you like horror films its a great


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Desideria


Member

Posted Tue Jun 26th, 2012 1:50pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

I'm never ever going to watch that movie but I know that I will read Clive's summary of the film over and over again. The line "You are now a centipede. Do things!" will make me laugh for the next couple of weeks. Genius.

@AvenidaMK on Twitter

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Stefi


Member

Posted Tue Jun 26th, 2012 7:16pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

I've never seen the film, but now I can summarise it, at least
Thank you for the summary, it's brilliant!

We are talking of the idea of beauty, and the beauty of ideas.

@Giggi_1

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Clive


Member

Posted Sun Jul 1st, 2012 2:49pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

05s161 said:
this film is a great film it is a typical horror set up but try watching the second human centipede it just gets better you cant say you dont like this film if you like horror films its a great

I have heard that the second one's far better - I'm certainly going to give that one a go. Sorry for being so harsh about a film you enjoyed!

Lol, thanks Des and Stefi, glad you liked it!

'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'

(E.L. Wisty)

My Attempt at Tumbling

Twitter: @CliveLive49

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Clive


Member

Posted Sat Jul 7th, 2012 5:46pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

Apologies for the double post, but I just had to say...

Get ready to say 'I told you so,' 05s161, because I just watched 'The Human Centipede 2,' and I have to say, it was completely fabulous!

I could hardly believe it was by the same writer and director as the first one. I've never been ten times more impressed by a sequel than by an original film, but I certainly was by this one! I was totally horrific and nearly nauseatingly gory, lol, but it was so clever and brilliant and funny, and it even lent a purpose to the first film. It was almost as though the director was saying, 'Yes, that first film was just the prologue - this is what I can *really* do.' He used his own film so ingeniously, and just tore every cliche in it to shreds! I'd love to know if he intended this from the very beginning, or whether this occurred to him after the success of the first film...

Anyway, lol, I feel slightly chastened, and must say thanks, 05s161, for recommending the second one - I'm really glad I watched it!

'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'

(E.L. Wisty)

My Attempt at Tumbling

Twitter: @CliveLive49

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sun Sep 2nd, 2012 5:21pm Post subject: The Human Centipede

You know, Clive, the entire time I watched Centepede 1 I kept thinking how awful it was, and yet I couldn't stop watching it. That said, I will not be watching the 2nd one any time soon.

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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akatsuki


Member

Posted Sun Sep 9th, 2012 11:51am Post subject: The Human Centipede

did any one read the cover for the human centipede? it says 100%percent medically acurate,erm ok since when are all conjoined twins siamese and since when could you stitch 1 japanese man and 2 american women together to create a siamese triplet??

the whole film was a load of shit (no pun it ain't worth it) there was no direction,it was not scary/gory or even disturbing to be honest. i've seen 2 girls 1 cup that was disgusting i've watched all the saw films and they are gory i grew up on hell raiser they were scary (for their time)this was just an hour and however many minutes of my life that i will never get back.


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