I have been single for quite a long time. Not to say it's been entirely tragic without any fun, but a relationship hasn't quite happened. I prefer to think of it as "dodging bullets" but never mind.
Recently, I discovered that I am doomed to be single. There are powers in the universe that are going to ensure that despite my best efforts, there is no way in which I will be able to get away with being "attractive".
Allow me to recount the events of the situation which lead to this startling revelation. I apologise in advance for it being a fart story, but if you cant laugh a fart story, then there's something wrong with you.
I'd just finished an exam at uni. About 3\4 of the way through the exam, I needed to fart. However, I knew this was NOT going to be one I'd be able to let out quietly. Experience has taught me that Fish and Chips the night before makes things horrid.
So I waited until the exam finished out of not being a total shit to those around me. I walked out of the exam room and looked for the most convenient place possible. I saw an empty elevator. Sure, it's still a BIT mean, but at least it's empty right?
So I wandered in and heaved a sigh of relief as the doors started to close. I was about to let slip the dogs of war when a hand suddenly stopped the elevator. In walked two rather attractive students, who smiled at me and then stood behind me.
I did what any heterosexual male would've done at that point. I sucked that fart bubble right back up. Because I totally had a chance with these ladies didn't I? I mean who HASN'T met "The One" in an elevator after an exam? RIGHT? Exactly!
So the doors shut again and once again I become a metaphorical volcano. However, as the doors are about to close, I realised it would've been extremely poor taste, yet completely hilarious if I farted right then. There'd be no escape, no doubt and it would've been a total dick thing to do. However, since I "had a chance" ( ) with these ladies, I did the right thing and held it in.
The thought however DID cause me to giggle. Which I promptly stopped. Seriously, what's funny about an elevator? It's not like I could EXPLAIN this to the ladies and appear "Smooth" so I calmed myself down and relaxed.
And thus began the Giggle Loop. A concept whereby you realise how innappropriate and funny from a fly-on-the-wall perspective to start giggling for no apparant reason. However, due to comedic timing, more often than not, the longer you wait to start laughing, the funnier it would be. So you end up wanting to laugh MORE, the longer and harder you try NOT to laugh.
In hindsight, it would've been better if I let out a little giggle at the start then made up some bullshit story about "Realising I wrote the wrong thing down on the exam". About halfway down the elevator ride (Yes, it is actually quicker to take the stairs, but remember why I went in there in the first place?) I was snorting, red-faced, giggling, whimpering and everything.
I realised how stupid I looked so I took a deep breath and caaalllmmeed down. I got myself back under control. I took another deep breath and relaaaxxeeddd....
...a little too far.
Oh I prayed for a squeaker. I even prayed for a light "pfft". However the only word that can be used to describe it is "Explosion". There was no warning, no buildup, just "BANG". My ass cheeks clapped together like a chior of fucking seals. It also didn't end. I was an Evinrude on rocketfuel.
Annnnnnnd I lost it.
I immediately burst out laughing. All that I'd tried to prevent happened all at the same time. I was leaning against the elevator wall SCREAMING with laughter. I had tears rolling down my face. I was incapacitated from laughing.
However then there was a pregnant pause when the three of us looked at each other all at the exact same time.
A moment of silence and reflection.
The stench was...immense. If this was 2004 and Bush had his satellites over Australia at this point in time, he would've accused us of holding Mustard Gas. Seriously, it was so bad even I wanted to get the fuck out and when you cant handle the stench of your own brew, something has gone very wrong.
Somehow this all made it funnier to me. I believe the ridiculous nature of the situation just meant that if I didn't howl with laughter, I think I would've climbed out of the service duct and launched myself down the shaft to oblivion.
Mercifully about 5 seconds later, the elevator stopped on the ground floor. The ladies shoved past me in disgust. I was still unable to move and roaring with laughter leaning against the elevator wall. Two blokes were about to walk into the elevator with me, but the ladies stopped them and said "DONT! He just farted in there"
Try to picture that for a second. You walk up to an elevator and you see somebody in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, and you find out the reason for this is because he farted. Was it possible for me to look worse at this point in time?
After a good minute or two, I opened the elevator doors, walked over to the nearest bench and sat down to regain my composure entirely. At this point in time I was still giggling like a buffoon.
Eventually, a rather lovely female student who I'd been getting to know better smiled and walked up to me. "What's so funny?" she asked, looking amused and interested in me.
My response? "I farted"
At that point in time, she looked confused, then walked off. I think my brain also exited as it deemed that it is not going to be used in this body. This is why I believe I am going to give up attempting to remove the "Single" part of my life. That was 3 strikes, so bugger it. My optimism of picking up inside an elevator has permenantly been crushed.
Love in an Elevator? Fuck you Aerosmith.
(Note: This is the most distasteful comment, but I'm assuming that if you've read THIS far you're not offended. For the record, I did NOT "follow through". Remember, this is a fart story. Nothing else kthnx. It wasn't quite THAT tragic.)