STEPHEN FRY

Bolstering poodle hamburgers, anyone?

And the Lord saith unto Moses "Come forth and be fruitful", but Moses came fifth and won a chamberpot. In those dim and distant days they did not know the uses of the chamberpot and so he put it upon his head as an hat, and galloped off into the desert for forty days and forty nights.

At the end of this, he was captured by the Ragshagndebag tribe, who took him to their queen, who ragged, shagged and debagged him. Lying there afterwards, she said "Moses, what steps would you take if I became pregnant?" "Bloody large ones" quoth Moses and so saying, he galloped off for another forty days and forty nights.

He then came to the city of Hu Flung Wot, where they were chucking s!** at Random. Now Random, being a clever bugger, ducked and there was s!** all over the place, and that is how wew came to know of the uses of the chamberpot.

"It's a metropolyptic jungle out there!"

"So what are you saying lieutenant?", he breathed through his nostrils.

"I'm saying, Depardieu, that this Apple Turnover has a street value of £45."

"Jeepers!"

"I feel a sporadic inclination to agree. Although that's because I levitate so much. I've been meaning to give it up, but I enjoy it. It makes me feel so floaty."

Depardieu considered before saying "Since Wanda Muldroon came to the throne, who can be surprised to hear it?"

Courtroom number 1, The Old Bailey. Mr Justice Rupert Lofty-Plantation puts a lump of cheese in his pocket and says 'The defendant has been found guilty and I sentence him to death by a thousand pinches........he's what? NOT guilty? Oh arse! And I've already ordered the crab'.

The above is an extract of section 14, paragraph 9, the road traffic act.

It is to be noted that this applies, also, when riding a moped.

Lackluster effort, anemia, and loud noises inserted here [ ]

and here

----> x <----

Villeneuve Flashbanger machinated his kneecaps across the floor. His feet joined in.

In the corner Nibbles loomed branflakingly, a glowing humberside dangling from his wrist. He decided to add 2 ounces of sugar and bake at 42 Alpaca gardens for three hours on regulo 6.

Serve with ice cream and vertical blinds.

Oo be do be do
B Day
Cecil Day
Lewis, Bute and Arran
Muck
Eigg, Rhum
Inland shipping advised to drive on the left in this country and give way to traffic from the right. The traffic from the right is mostly in the pages of the Daily Mail, where they play mery tunes upon the xenophobe.

Next week we change to driving on the right. The change will be gradual, cyclists will start the procedure on Monday and all other traffic with the exception of heavy goods vehicles and buses will change on Tuesday. It is hoped the remainder will have much clearer road conditions on Wednesday.