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katusmaximus


Member

Posted Mon Oct 12th, 2009 4:57am Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

I'm not sure why, but I cling to the poems I wrote as a teenager like they are the greatest treasures in my life (apart from my kids). So, as part of my attempts to face fear, and allow myself to be vulnerable - here is one of them. Written in April of 1997 at 17 yrs of age (don't bother with the maths - I'm 29 now).

I cry out but nobody hears me
I scream into the black of night
But I hear no reply.
The only sound is the crashing of my dreams,
I am alone in a cold, dark world.

My soul is writhing in agony,
My heart and my fear beat as one.
I scream into the chambers of my mind,
Begging for someone to hear.
There's no escaping my pain - it is in me.

On the outside I appear calm and still,
On the inside is a raging torment.
Hate, Fear, Shame and Love
All filthy emotions with the same effects.
Everytime I hear that name I am lost.

The love of another turns to self-hatred,
Self degradation seems the only way out.
But of all the people that come and go
I will always be there -
I cannot be freed from myself.

People try to change who and what they are
Sickened by their bodies and minds.
No one can give love without fear
Because they do not think they're good enough.
So, how will we survive?

Hmmm... That still seems fairly apt to me! Thanks for letting me share and please - be kind


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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Oct 12th, 2009 5:30am Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

Be kind? Would it be UNkind if I told you I laughed through a lot of it? To prempt any 'yes' on your part, I'll just say I laughed more at myself, because I'd be willing to bet many, many teenagers don the poets mantle and write of dark things. I sure did and this poem reminded me of MY bad poetry then, and that's what kicked in my laughter ( just so you know i'm not laughing AT YOU ). And good lord my awful stuff was really awful, but very sincere and innocent in that regard. I kept some of mine too, but more as a measure of my own evolution ( there's been a tad, a wee bit, thankfully lol ).

Did you ever see that movie Beetlejuice? Winona Ryder plays a morbid teenager, and "..making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel." ( quote; bart simpson ) Anyway, there's a scene of her reading a particularly 'dark' poem she'd written, out loud to herself and it's howlingly funny as she goes about trying to find the most descriptive words to convey the black, unceasing depths of her pain and sense of alienation.

I wish I had your bravery, I think.

I did like:

"But of all the people that come and go
I will always be there -
I cannot be freed from myself."

Really? Wow.

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katusmaximus


Member

Posted Mon Oct 12th, 2009 6:09am Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

I love Beetlejuice, and I know the exact part you mean. It's excrutiating, but I feel better for putting it out there All teenagers need to have a moment of the melodramatic, I am lucky enough to have a written record of mine!


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quantumofire


Member

Posted Mon Oct 12th, 2009 8:37pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

I had a huge collection of angst-ridden, truly dire poetry from my teens. I did a big clean out about ten years back and shredded most of it...regrets............I wonder but....

no

http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/

Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Oct 12th, 2009 11:59pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

katus I'm relieved nothing I said offended you. I did worry for a minute that it might.

q, old poems do have the effect of reinforcing humility sometimes don't they? I think that's why I kept mine, though they're deposited at the bottom of a dark closet and boxed so I can't hear them whispering at me

Really? Wow.

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quantumofire


Member

Posted Tue Oct 13th, 2009 7:05pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

Hello

What I was trying to say, Nitro, when reading back on anything written in your teens capturing really painful emotions, that it depends where you are now - regardless of any critical dissection of what's written.

I can see from what you wrote back then Katus that you where not in a very good place at the time. The problem arises is when you look back at your own words, whether 5, 10 or 20 years have passed, and you still feel the same. That's probably why I shredded my writings. Not that it was necessarily badly or brilliantly written, but it felt like my life had not moved on. All those years had passed and I was still going through the same crap. That's scary.

It's different if you can read it and laugh back at it, and take it for what it was: just the pain of growing up and coming to terms with ones feelings of intense awkwardness and self-doubt.

The problem is, back then and even today, you have nobody close to share the pain your thoughts. It scares people. Adults just have that way of telling you to pull yourself together.
So thank you for sharing Katus

Your words remind me of conversation I had with a friend, who said to me (and I'm not boasting) -

'If I was as smart and intelligent as you, I'd be on top of the word?'

I replied -

'If you were me? I wouldn't wish my mind on anybody.'

He just gave me a dirty look. I don't think he got it.

http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/

Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.

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katusmaximus


Member

Posted Tue Oct 13th, 2009 10:59pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

I must admit, some days I do still feel like this, but I think for me it helps to realise that I've felt like this before and I got through it. In my experience, it's never been quite as painful as that first time, and perhaps that is because I have a better understanding of myself and the process of depression now.

I completely agree with your statement about having no one close to share the pain with. Now I am 29 I just don't write things down like I used to, I'm far more critical of myself and I feel the burden of "being a downer" when I try to discuss it with others. I get sick of listening to my own thoughts, let alone subjecting others to them!
I see my psych for the first time today, so he can cop it - that's what I'm paying him for! LOL


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quantumofire


Member

Posted Tue Oct 13th, 2009 11:29pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

I think problem is once you mention word 'Depression' people either think it's you being dramatic or clam-up and you feel like people are walking on egg shells. It's something I'd always avoided talking to friends or colleagues about.

It make it more difficult when you are a very reserved person and you find it had hard to join in with others. They always think you're being miserable when your not. It's like a double headed axe being used against you.

Nowadays, I avoid writing anything when I'm on a downer. It just reminds me of all the stuff I wrote before and I feel that I'm going around in circles just picking at the same scab again. That's why, when I write, now, I try to be more retrospective and put things in perspective, especially about old relationships and friendships. Less down and a little more melancholy perhaps...

...it's a form of making peace with the world and oneself.

http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/

Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Wed Oct 14th, 2009 4:25am Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

Your remarks, and others I've read and things I've heard people say in 'the meat world', make it fairly apparant the stigma still attached to mental illness. You know, if you tell folks you have a bad heart they incline towards immediate sympathy or understanding, or, god forbid, actual compassion. Whereas if you mention, as you said Q, the word 'depression'...there's still that reflexive suspicion that you're 'being melodramatic' or are attention seeking in some way.

If you're prone to a kind of perspective that's more introspective or just mulls things over that others might seem to roll right past without consideration, I just think you have to be very careful who you expose those feelings to. Where people are concerned, being reserved is a sort of sane defense mechanism IMHO.

I tend to feel the same about writing. I'm not going to just show something I've written - unless I don't really give a fark about it - to the dull minded or hard hearted people I might know. I just think of it as us speaking totally different languages and it would be too hard to translate for them because I don't really understand their language well enough either ( <--that's a quasi-metaphor, btw ).

Really? Wow.

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katusmaximus


Member

Posted Wed Oct 14th, 2009 6:11am Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

True, conservatism is a self-preservation tactic. I am sick of hiding that part of myself away, and also the stigma involved with having depression. The point of me putting this poem up though was to face down that part of me that squeals in horror if someone doesn't like something I've said or written or done. I am trying the "tough titties technique" (TTT if you want).

So, although I can have a laugh at what I wrote, it was still very real to me when I wrote it and yes - there was a part of me that cringed, cowered and curled into the foetal position when I read your initial response nitro, but instead of giving in to my initial thoughts of "how do I delete this before more people read it and hate it - thereby actually hating me" I decided to leave it up, suck it up and force myself to see that it is not the end of the world if that happens.

I feel stronger for it, and if people have difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I'm not always a happy, smiling, cardboard cut-out then that's their problem - not mine. I am wonderful no matter how messy my mind can be at times - because despite how soul-crushingly low I feel, I will always rise above it and conquer depression with that same bent, twisted, half broken mind
So, from my dodgy poetry let me now share some truly marvellous words that may not necessarily have been written about depression but undoubtedly cheer me up when I am feeling miserable:

“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring.
Renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crown-less again shall be king.” - JRR Tolkien


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quantumofire


Member

Posted Wed Oct 14th, 2009 8:29pm Post subject: therapy time - my teenage anxst!

Those lines of verse from Tolkien remind me of a poem by the 16th century writer Robert Southwell called Tymes Goe By Turnes, which contains the verse.

The sea of Fortune doth not ever floe,
She drawes her favours to the lowest ebb;
Her tyde hath equall tymes to come and goe,
Her loome doth weave the fine and coarsest webb;
No joy so great but runneth to an ende,
No happ so harde but may in fine amende.

http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/

Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.

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