I've expanded my list.
2. Play the acoustic guitar badly
3. Be vegetarian
4. Write embarrassing fanmail to Philip Glenister
5. Cunnilingus (because I can just do that better than anyone)
6. Fix broken fruit machines
7. Call a game of bingo
8. Draw cartoon snails
9. Use the definite article to precede the word ‘ASDA’, i.e. ‘I am just going down to The ASDA to buy a packet of cheapy tabs. Do you want owt?’ without sounding like a lunatic. This is a uniquely Hartlepudlian skill.
10. Use the terms ‘cheapy tabs’ and ‘do you want owt?’ without sounding like a lunatic.
11. Open my front door (there’s a trick to it)
12. Recite my old school motto (that’s a sneaky one – I don’t actually have an old school motto, though he wouldn’t know that, so he’d fall for it)
13. Produce a simplistic yet striking undersea vista Batik mural using flour and water paste and vegetable dye. (I have no way of knowing this for sure, though I’ll bet I could).
'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'