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LeJeunesse


Member

Posted Mon Jul 5th, 2010 11:10pm Post subject: Too Nice?

Should I be less nice? Today I realised that being nice will end badly for me.

I'm a good person, generally. I mean sure, I've lied, I've sworn and I'm not perfect or angelic but I'm always there for my friends and care a lot about whether what I say hurts people or not.

Anyway, I was having a conversation today and something someone said annoyed and hurt me a bit but almost automatically I decided not to retaliate and not to tell them that it had hurt me. This is because I didn't want the person to feel bad. However, it made me think - if I spend my whole life being nice and letting things go so I don't hurt people, will it end up affecting me negatively?

It has done before, I think. People think that because I'm a kind person and because I don't show that I'm annoyed or sad it or that it affects me that I'm not bothered when in fact I am. Last year it really got to me and I was really sad for quite a while because everything got to me at once.

Should I be less nice? How on earth do you go about that?

I wish everyone were lovely and kind; things would be so much better if everyone was nice

"that woman...of dubious and questionable memory." :P

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AC


Member

Posted Tue Jul 6th, 2010 5:32am Post subject: Too Nice?

Saying how you feel when someone says something that hurts you doesn't make you a less nice person. You don't have to be nasty or vengeful about it--just calmly tell the person that he/she has hurt you with what they said and why. Let them know that you don't have to (and won't!) put up with them insulting you. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. I have had to do it quite a few times in my life, and it doesn't make you any less nice, but it does make you stronger.

And if the person feels bad or doesn't like being called out on their bad behavior? Well, too bad for them! Maybe they will learn to be nicer next time!

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you." -Oscar Wilde

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Mystic River


Member

Posted Tue Jul 6th, 2010 5:40am Post subject: Too Nice?

Hello LeJeunesse - this is a "nice rant"
I won't tell you how to be - because I don't like it when people tell me how to be, but I think you are just fine as you are.

I am also "too nice" (surely there could be a comedy sketch - sounds like an illness!! ) - it's like a social stigma. I am sure that some of the really lonely and unhappy experiences I've had are because I am too nice, too forgiving, ethical, and able to understand and see more than meets the eye. I have decided to stay just as I am, since lots of people have lots of different advice on how to be less sensitive. What infuriates me is when I am ordered to grow a thick skin - yeah, so they can get away with being unpleasant??
I am sure I will grow up as I grow old - I am still a little late in noticing the holes in my back, but that isn't such a bad thing either - I can't explain it very well. I don't believe I am a doormat, although I was for a while. I have decided that "too nice/ or too sensitive" is part of who I am and it is ridiculous for me to try to be otherwise. I tried it in the classroom - (I was told to be meaner to the children! They spotted the incongruity immediately and the negative behaviour just escalated).
I don't wish that people were lovely and kind, but I do believe that politeness and good manners aren't out of date just yet - and they don't cost anything. How very English of me!

NICE PRIDE!!

There is always love.

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Mystic River


Member

Posted Tue Jul 6th, 2010 5:46am Post subject: Too Nice?

AnCBeck23 said "And if the person feels bad or doesn't like being called out on their bad behavior? Well, too bad for them! Maybe they will learn to be nicer next time!"
Hi, you got your reply in just as I was writing but I agree with this point too. People definitely need to take responsibility for their bad behaviour!

There is always love.

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tito


Member *

Posted Tue Jul 6th, 2010 2:03pm Post subject: Too Nice?

Ditto to the aboves.


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LeJeunesse


Member

Posted Wed Jul 7th, 2010 3:32pm Post subject: Too Nice?

The thing is - I'll feel bad. One of my closest friends has quite strange parents and I've been making exceptions about it my whole life. "Its ok she cant come out, her parents are strict" and "Its fine she cant come to my party because I have to consider how her parents are" but I'm getting sick of the fact that she doesnt consider how it affects me. Like last year I went through a few months when I was really sad and I've been really happy again ever since but its sending me back again because she just doesnt consider how what she says makes me feel! Its like she doesnt even care and shes meant to because shes my best friend. But I dont want to tell her that because I know I'll feel bad for telling her and making her feel bad.

"that woman...of dubious and questionable memory." :P

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yalom


Member

Posted Fri Jul 9th, 2010 5:04pm Post subject: Too Nice?

Even best friends cannot read minds. You have already said that you hide your feelings from others when you are hurt in order to stay nice.
You are both as needy as each other, but my guess is that neither of you are expressing it. A person becomes a best friend when you know they are safe to talk to. Support each other.


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amyl_nitrate


Member

Posted Thu Aug 12th, 2010 3:58pm Post subject: Too Nice?

You can still be nice and tell people you feel hurt or upset. It doesn't help anyone to keep things to yourself. You don't help you because you'll be stuck in an endless cycle of feeling hurt and you don't help your friends as they won't know how things are affecting you and if it ever got to a point where you have bottled it all up inside for so long that you explode...well it's better to tell people things sooner rather than later I think. Good friends are there for each other. If they are your friend you should be able to feel secure in confiding in them and then they may be able to support you better.

Assuming direct control...

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Nitro


Member

Posted Fri Sep 3rd, 2010 2:19pm Post subject: Too Nice?

Your *real* friends will understand.

Everyone else?

Let 'em head down the road and don't call them back to you

Really? Wow.

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nejsen


Member

Posted Thu May 10th, 2012 4:39pm Post subject: Too Nice?

I have a problem with being to nice. I am trying thou. But when ever i say something, that is said in joke, i always think "Oh, that bit there could sound like i wanted to hurt this person" and then i imidiatly apoligise. Even my friends say that i'm to nice, and that i apoligise all the time, they're even trying to teach me how to insult people. It's not that i don't know how to do it, it's just that i overthink it. Which i do with just about everything. And it gets quite frustrating cause it's hard, to get all those emotions you have, out if you don't know how to turn the ventil on. I am improving, talking to my closets about and trying to do with my friends. I don't want to sound like i think i'm an expert on this subject, but to anyone with same problem, one of the only and best advices i can give is; TALK ABOUT IT Please.


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Vinchy


Member

Posted Fri Jun 1st, 2012 10:32pm Post subject: Too Nice?

You should not be less nice. To be nice - its normal. First of all because if somebody does something bad advisedly - everything will return to this man. If unintentionally - try to explain the man that it was unpleasant for you. You have to learn to do it:
you can show it by mimicry,
you can say about it,
you can make it as a mirror - show the same unpleasant thing yourselves.
Or find your own way to do this.
And the main rule:
"to be good for people" - its a fail. Do everything, listening to your heart. If you want to be bad for somebody - maybe, this person needs it and it will be useful for him. Certainly, you have to be tactful - but not because this person. We all have to be tactful and good only because we all have to respect ourselves, because if we don't do this - we can't respect other people. Think what is right - but "right" can be different. Try to be wise


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joan


Member

Posted Fri Aug 3rd, 2012 11:34pm Post subject: Too Nice?

Nowt wrong with being nice. one is even nice in Yorkshire - occasionally.


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