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Lilyg


Member

Posted Wed May 23rd, 2007 9:44pm Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Isnt it frustrating how when one has a really good time there often follows a crash?

I have become so healthy since having a big wobbler a couple of years ago - and that with a cancer diagnosis just after (caught early, all good so far, thank god) - that I could write a book on how to live cleanly, healthily etc etc .. However, I am also a very strong believer in enjoying yourself as we are not here for ever.

My dilemma now is that because I am so healthy and stable (so boring at times - I sometimes wonder if it is doing me more harm!) that I feel it may even have exacerbated my highs and lows when I do let my hair down. It's almost like I get a taste of freedom again and fluidity which is now so lacking from my 'healthy life'. Does this make sense to anyone? I do tend to ramble when I write on here a bit. Sorry.

One glass of wine now gets me so excited because I feel free again - is that mania - or just relief at letting go a bit? Confusing.

One of my best friends is getting married - and she has been an enormous rock for me through my wobble and other health investigations/treatment - an absolute legend of a friend (that's one of the only good things I find which comes out of adversity is you witness some beautiful and awesome support from some). We have just had her hen weekend and I went for it (dressed as a rabbit, carrying large carrots around) with her and the others - and I bloody loved it. After all the cr*p and fight that I have given it was great.

I am now totally exhausted, have flu and have been very depressed/anxious. It is obviously the downswing from the exuberance - but I must say - I find it a bit annoying that I almost feel I have to pay for it after!! I dont wish to moan - at least I have insight now to just batten down the hatches and ride the storm - hopefully just for a couple more days ...

What is worse for others?? Living a controlled, 'constant' lifestyle or taking solace from the fun one can have when going a bit mental ... admittedly for me it does reduce the exhausting lows - but I get sooooo bored - do others get bored?? Is boredom better than the post fun crash? My heart says no and even my mind (and in a rather depressed state just now) says no as well.

Hmmm ..

Oh well, I shall ponder some more whilst watching some of those 'normal' people on The Apprentice ... I suppose it could be worse!

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Fourth Feline


Member

Posted Wed May 23rd, 2007 10:08pm Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Hi Lily,

I see where you are coming from. I also tended to 'chase the good times' in the better spells. I found however that ultimately it became self defeating. Stimulants or chasing social excitement just drove the mania - which then forced a chemically depleted brain into agonising depression. I also found alcohol creates depression.

The trick ( for me ) is to take joy in the small things when I am feeling a bit better i.e. friendship, hobbies, nature, pets - and therefore make one's palette more sensitive to less and less. You end up with the same level of enjoyment but at a lower cost to your mental and physical health.

I can see why you would want to "let your hair down" after all you've been through and from time to time it does us all a bit of good.

Ultimately though ( for me ) the good times became more sustainable when I was not driving them by emotional or chemical excesses. Like I said, more a refining of one's pallete instead of feeding it's intrinsically insatiable nature.

Meanwhile take care of yourself and I hope the physical aspects of your health stay good too.

Regards,

F.F.

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Lilyg


Member

Posted Wed May 23rd, 2007 11:42pm Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Thanks for your reply FF.

What you say makes complete sense and I have significantly changed my lifestyle to nurture those elements you listed (I have many cute furries now who I love dearly!).

I suppose it is still that energy which still builds up and that need to release which is the battle. Also, I think because of the cancer - that in itself develops this 'live for the moment' mentality at times - and it all becomes quite confusing!!

I'll follow your advice and save my next bought of slightly alcoholic exuberance for my friend's wedding! X-D

L

p.s Did you have difficulties dealing with people's changing perceptions of you as you calmed down. I have found that quite hard as the friends who knew me before as crazy me found it hard to adjust to the more measured and thoughtful me. In fact on Sat it was celebrated that my 'mojo' had returned as I had the twinkle back and was jumping up and down a lot!

p.p.s Also thank you for your reply a few weeks back to my other post, I was too scared to check it the next day as I feared I was a tipsy, gibbering mess when I had written it! :-//

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Fourth Feline


Member

Posted Thu May 24th, 2007 12:39am Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Hello again Liliy,

Actually, to answer your question about other people's perceptions - in my case they all were all very relieved when I began to calm down.

What I thought had been life embracing exuberance was apparently looking like wide eyed craziness. The 'secret ' is balance I suppose, "a bit of what you fancy does you good" - ( not a truckload ).

They just knew they weren't seeing the real me, that essence or core that lay at the heart of my character in repose and not truly manifest in either extremes.

That is the other paradox, that one becomes more socially attractive and integrated - the less one really tries. That does not mean that one can go out of one's way to be unpleasant of course, just that a calm, genial person is a much more approachable person. New relationships can form easier in that 'gentle space' between people.

This is a hard lesson for the manic or hypo-manic person to come to terms with. I know that I certainly resisted the advice to 'simmer down' for some years. I'm just glad I eventually did .

My friendship are so much warmer, deeper and more sustainable now.

Oh, and don't worry about the tone of how you may have written any previous post. To be honest, the more tipsy or troubled a post reads, the more I feel the urge to reply and to try and nurture in a non patronising way.

We are ( after all ) supposed to be here to find common coping strategies and help each other along when we can. At least that's my interpretation.

Take care Lily and have a great time at your friend's wedding !

F.F.

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Lilyg


Member

Posted Fri May 25th, 2007 11:28am Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Many thanks for your reply FF.

I am def going to celebrate my friend's wedding for her

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cuckoo


Member

Posted Fri May 25th, 2007 2:55pm Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Good advice F.F.

I got asked by my tutor yeaterday why I'm involved in so much music and theatre. I thought what do you mean why. Then i realised constantly running round doing things propagated the depressions and I now have to take more pleasure in little things and step back (a little bit) from everything else.

Lou

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Fourth Feline


Member

Posted Fri May 25th, 2007 7:25pm Post subject: Ups and Downs ...
Good advice F.F.

I got asked by my tutor yeaterday why I'm involved in so much music and theatre. I thought what do you mean why. Then i realised constantly running round doing things propagated the depressions and I now have to take more pleasure in little things and step back (a little bit) from everything else.

Lou

I can really relate to what you said Lou. A few years ago I was the guitarist in a seven piece Soul/Blues/Rock'n'Roll band. It was tremendous fun doing three ever changing 40 minute sets a night , but the morning after(s) were depression city.

It was not alcoholic consumption, just the sheer giving joyously of oneself (under pressure to get it note perfect and yet look relaxed ) - and the tension re-building whilst waiting to go back on between 'sets'.

I love my music, but have noticed that since the band split, the Bi-Polar cycling has reduced more.

I would still like to 'get back out there' one day - but ( hopefully ) would now know how to manage it better.

All the best with your own creative outlets !


F.F.

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