I have become so healthy since having a big wobbler a couple of years ago - and that with a cancer diagnosis just after (caught early, all good so far, thank god) - that I could write a book on how to live cleanly, healthily etc etc .. However, I am also a very strong believer in enjoying yourself as we are not here for ever.
My dilemma now is that because I am so healthy and stable (so boring at times - I sometimes wonder if it is doing me more harm!) that I feel it may even have exacerbated my highs and lows when I do let my hair down. It's almost like I get a taste of freedom again and fluidity which is now so lacking from my 'healthy life'. Does this make sense to anyone? I do tend to ramble when I write on here a bit. Sorry.
One glass of wine now gets me so excited because I feel free again - is that mania - or just relief at letting go a bit? Confusing.
One of my best friends is getting married - and she has been an enormous rock for me through my wobble and other health investigations/treatment - an absolute legend of a friend (that's one of the only good things I find which comes out of adversity is you witness some beautiful and awesome support from some). We have just had her hen weekend and I went for it (dressed as a rabbit, carrying large carrots around) with her and the others - and I bloody loved it. After all the cr*p and fight that I have given it was great.
I am now totally exhausted, have flu and have been very depressed/anxious. It is obviously the downswing from the exuberance - but I must say - I find it a bit annoying that I almost feel I have to pay for it after!! I dont wish to moan - at least I have insight now to just batten down the hatches and ride the storm - hopefully just for a couple more days ...
What is worse for others?? Living a controlled, 'constant' lifestyle or taking solace from the fun one can have when going a bit mental ... admittedly for me it does reduce the exhausting lows - but I get sooooo bored - do others get bored?? Is boredom better than the post fun crash? My heart says no and even my mind (and in a rather depressed state just now) says no as well.
Oh well, I shall ponder some more whilst watching some of those 'normal' people on The Apprentice ... I suppose it could be worse!