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Posted Sun Apr 22nd, 2012 5:58am Post subject: Venting thoughts

I'm fairly certain that this is the right area to post this in. If not, I'll pull this down. I just need to gather my thoughts of late a bit.


For a while now, a few things have been stirring around my head. Which is very unfortunate, because there isn't much room in there to begin with. I appreciate I'm not well known here, but I favor a smaller audience for my first tentative steps towards self-expression. I am at my best a private person. At my worst I am a cripplingly introverted person. That I'm finding motivation enough to voice myself at all is nothing short of miraculous.

These things that have been bothering me are of course the same things that everyone faces at some point or another. Niggling thoughts on regrets and missed opportunities, thoughts on beliefs long held and long doubted, and the ever-present issue of emotions and the people about whom they are developed. And then the unfortunate times when the three all seem to coalesce into a sort of mental tsunami. It’s bad enough to be mulling just one of these over in the back of your mind. With three of them concentration is a luxury.

Probably the largest obstacle for me lately has been believing things. I don't want to get into details, this little diatribe is spurious enough as it is without boring you all to tears in addition. Suffice it to say I've been thinking a lot about what beliefs I hold dear, what ones I value and cherish. They're a lot different now than they were even just a few years ago. A decade ago, or even further back still. It’s quite the realization for anyone to come into, particularly when it comes paired with another revelation of just how subtle and slowly the changes have occurred. It is startling, to say the least, to realize that you simply don’t believe in such long-clung-to beliefs anymore. And probably never did! I'm under no delusions that I am alone in my experience. Everyone encounters some whisper of change in this manner, it’s simply a part of maturation and developing as one's own person. Now my problem, since I've encountered this commonplace epiphany, is reconciling it with a few others who reached different conclusions.

And of course as is wont to happen, beliefs so frequently lead to regrets. I'm not placing blame on my formerly held beliefs, nor those held by anyone else. I myself am largely responsible, I recognize that. And I recognize that it would be reprehensibly negligent of me to deny my own role in my regrets. It would be equally negligent to deny that what I once believed played a role.
As I grew up, there was a gulf that opened up between myself and the people with which I most frequently associated. It grew larger with time, and before long I lost sight of those on the opposite side, receding until they slipped over my horizon. Behind me was a scene of people I genuinely liked. I genuinely wanted to know. But for the sake of not causing trouble, I clung to entirely arbitrary boundaries, placed by beliefs I had already given up, and refused to turn around to face them.

And I regret it. I missed a lot of opportunities to make friends, a lot of opportunities to develop and flourish in my own social niche. One opportunity in particular leaves me with the most regret, which in this rambling soliloquy is the point at which feelings come to play. Had I taken advantage of the myriad opportunities to do just those things, to meet people, to visit and spend time with them enough to make friends, I'd have avoided what is definitely the trigger for my thrice-sourced introspection. One of the few people who I did befriend I neglected with respect to an actual, tangible friendship. We spoke on the phone, we spoke via email and text and instant message. Incessantly. I am at least their most trusted confidante, and have played host to a myriad of frankly nightmarish revelations. And kept them quiet. Kept them safe. I may not be brave, but I am at the very least loyal.

And every time. Every time hanging out or doing some activity were brought up, I had some convenient, fabricated or actual excuse to avoid it. To keep myself from turning around and facing what I wanted. I always assumed there would be time. Time to wait for things to change, so I wouldn't have to deal with consequences or dance about topics and people to maintain the status quo. I was a coward, there’s no other word for it. And then that all changed, with one texted picture of a ring on a finger. The time evaporated. The past came rushing up to meet me, and possibly the deepest sense of regret and perspective I've felt in what accounts for my life swept across me. In turn, I lost a great deal of the delusion under which I’ve been laboring. Equivalent exchange, I believe it’s called.

I apologize for this being a long-winded sob story, and that it all sounds so melodramatic in writing. Particularly from someone with only a shadow presence in this community. But I think I needed this bit of exposition to hammer home a number of the things I've learned from this experience and galvanize myself into change. I apologize profusely for inflicting this on those of you who bother to read it, but thank you all for your consideration.

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Posted Sun Apr 22nd, 2012 12:02pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

We all change our thinking as we mature, Len. And looking back, we wonder why we allowed ourselves to be captives of illogical beliefs and/or restrictions imposed by others. But this is called growing and maturing.

For instance, I left religion behind a few years ago. I tried, I really tried to believe - but logic got in the way. Now I just laugh at my old self. Not that I was ever really bothered about religion: my moral or ethical sense was always separate from a belief in what I now see as an imaginary sky friend.

I'm knocking on a bit now, and look back on the 1960s and wish I'd been a bit, well, naughtier. It was a time of great change, and although I was part of that change, and fought a lot of battles for personal freedom, I was still too influenced by my parents' generation's ridiculous Victorian values.

As a parent I brought my sons up to live positive lives doing what they really wanted, to chase interesting careers rather than mega money.(Here in Australia all jobs provide enough for a decent living), and to stay curious and have fun. It worked: they are both happy and fulfilled. My own working life was not so good, but I'm not worried about that any more.

We change as we grow, and our old selves can make little sense in the concept of what we know now, that we never knew back then.

Best to have no regrets - if we'd done things differently we might not be here now - we might have crossed a road at a different time and place, and wham! no more us.

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Posted Sun Apr 22nd, 2012 4:24pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

What you say is very true. That doesn't stop me from feeling late to the party. Frankly, and as silly as it sounds, it's just a nice feeling to be reminded that this is all in large part standard fare. For me it feels like I've been trying to get my mind around an awful lot in a very short period of time. I suppose that just speaks to my own inexperience.

Though I do disagree that it would be best to have no regrets. I think that regret is just part of the human experience, and when someone considers the reason for their regret, it can be a marvelous tool for motivation and self-improvement.

Or perhaps I'm just thinking too much about this.

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Posted Wed Apr 25th, 2012 12:51pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

Everyone has some regret but probably what people mean when they say they don't have any is that they can't see the value in the time spent on regret versus just accepting that they are who they are now because of their decisions and the only way forward is, forward.

For a long time I regretted not devoting myself more fully to a career I thought I'd wanted. Each encounter only made it more tedious, more emotionally dulling, and it was the groundwork for an internal mutiny of sorts. I was mad at myseIlf more for devoting time to a skill set that, on closer examination, I hadn't originally adopted because of my own desire to walk that way but because one individual had suggested it to me. The weird part is, I barely noticed that connection. The entire thing had been someone else's idea so it then made sense to me why I'd never particularly fallen in love with it. The regret, if there is any, has more to do with having spent so much time trying to force the square into the circle. It's time that cannot be got back. It also meant floundering for a while, which isn't always fun exactly. But it's really hard to regret, imho, something that brings you into a sharper realization of yourself than you might've not had.

Really? Wow.

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Posted Wed Apr 25th, 2012 9:16pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

I can deeply and honestly feel with you there lenbogan. I live, at the moment, being scared to have much regrets, to never to have lived, but at the same time, I'm at least just as scared to change anyhing, to lose anything, to get out of my comfort zone. I have friends, I have a social niche and I am frightened, that if i lift my head, if i try new things, they won't let me get back in there. I am comfortable with my life, that's OK, I suppose. I have difficulties finding new friends, too.
I promised myself a few years ago that, at the very least, I'd stop missing opportunities that others tried to give me. I'd go to social events and so on, unless i had a REAL excuse. By and large, I held that promise, and things got a bit better. But I didn't, and I still don't, make opportunities myself. I don't know how.
I wasn't unhappy before, I'm not unhappy now, I never was. Maybe that's why I am so, frankly, unnaturally scared of change: My subconsciense thinks it can only get worse. I have no idea. I have just always had a lot of Me-time, and being with friends, as great as it is, is very stressful and tireing for me.

So when I read you post, I saw a lot that reminded me of myself and that I still don't know what I want. I'm an incredibly indecisive person. Seriously. VERY indecisive.

Thank you for everyone who read that long post
I just thought I should ge it out somewhere and this seemed the thread for it. I hope I didn't spam it or something

We are talking of the idea of beauty, and the beauty of ideas.


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Posted Thu Apr 26th, 2012 7:49pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

I'm watching my very ill (possibly dying) parents at the moment and have had too much time to think about what a successful life might or might not be. I have had, in my life, a lot of regrets. Mainly these are related to not living life to the full and embracing who I am wholeheartedly. In other words, things I didn't do rather than things I did.

I've missed out on a whole load of social activity, drunk too much, spent too much, and gotten myself into deep depression (though the latter is part and parcel of who I am). I don't know that I'm sad about the social stuff, because, as others noted, some of it would have been with people that may not be true friends or even people with which I have much in common. The drinking and money were bad, but they do at least represent a full on experience - albeit not an entirely positive one.

Life is always going to be a compromise to one extent or another, but as long as we don't hurt too many people (including ourselves - that's important) along the way I reckon there won't be too much to regret in the end.

Sorry if that's a bit mawkish or morbid...

That would be me.

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Posted Tue May 1st, 2012 4:04am Post subject: Venting thoughts


Love yourself, how could you posable love others if you neglect your self!

Respect life with as much verocity as it dose you!

Everything else i am sure you can figure out your selves...

Mr stephen!
I see you will join inteligence2 this month.

Not to inteligent if you fail to recognise inteligence is three dimensional

I have heard you talk of language, do you consider culture in equal measure? As i see it metamorphic stones have no relavance to humanity. History ok however war tells a far more revealing story than ornimentaion, probably sanctiond to suport a failing economy at the time!?

Democratius (chosen by the people) being the father of atomic theory. I can't not consider any less then a 95% majority as a vote of confidence!

Here is my reasoning. Only 10% of any given population are well enough informed to correctly direct proper action. 2% are insane (not knowing right from wrong). 30% are to opinionated to be fair. And the reast are sheeple. Thus leving us with only 10%! If we want that ten percent to exercise there views then at least a 95% majority is nessisary!

Excuse grammar and spelling i was illeducated in imperial... (something, whatever) Besides the writen word only exists because of the word

I didn't bother joining the 20th centuary and am reconsidering joining the 21st. Pity we can't commune as once we did, to many people are fearfull of condemnation

This might be helpfull to some, fk it! You can appologise later if you feel it is nessisasry.

Take care all, fare thee well.

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Posted Fri May 4th, 2012 8:16am Post subject: Venting thoughts

Mysteriously my venting thought post has dramatically disappeared. I shall be back later to vent such thoughts. One feels strongly about fake celebrities and I shall show this. Perhaps I need to calm down a bit first. I can type and type for Scotland so this disappearing act will not deter me. Not one bit.

"This is me - don't try and change it..."

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Posted Sun May 6th, 2012 6:34am Post subject: Venting thoughts

I have decided to keep my opinions on fake celebrities to myself; probably for the best as it would possibly lead to a ban on here. I don't want to be banned. I like this site.

The thoughts angering me today are about being kind to people and constantly having it thrown back in your face; time and time again. One will have to be more wise to this.

Best not to mention any names on here, you never know. I was also kind to an old schoolfriend recently, met up with her, purchased nice thoughtful card and present. One received no thanks. One offered to meet up for a lunch around the time of her birthday (yesterday). Oh well best not to bother with low people like that.

Best to be on your own sometimes, well all the time.

I'll go before I get even angrier.

"This is me - don't try and change it..."

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Posted Fri Aug 3rd, 2012 11:41pm Post subject: Venting thoughts

Talking about fake celebs, my favourite description of them is 'The rich and shameless'instead of rich and famous.

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