STEPHEN FRY

Don't hate yourself. You're not the only one to get like that. Angry and fed up with work and bottling it up and letting loose in other places I mean. It doesn't mean you suck. If it's work that makes you angry and miserable than that's where the problem lies not in you.

Yes, I do suck. If I didn't suck I wouldn't be such a c&*t to my fiance. He must have mental problems himself if he wants to stay with me. Seriously, why else would he put up with me?

I'm just as bad with my boyfriend. I can get angry over nothing because of stress and then I get upset about it later and he tells me "It's okey I'm used to you being mean to me." I don't even know how to respond to that. I always end up feeling like the worst person in the world and undeserving of having a boyfriend. Nothing more is said about it and I forget. Until the next time it happens. I try not to think about it as the self-loathing spiral can get really bad.

I did some research cause it was mentioned to me that I might have BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) so far it matches me better than MD.

"While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day."

Yup, none of these irrational emotions I have last long at all. While the anger I was feeling earlier is still there now, it's already waning so I figure it'll be gone within the next 15minutes. However, I wouldn't be suprised if it popped in and out through the rest of the day.

"Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are."

Yes.

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all."

Which is exactly what happened today. While it's hard on anyone to have a long distance relationship, it's really hard on me. I love him and I'll fight for him but at the same time, I wonder how he can put up with me. Today my boss pissed me off, I was starting to get over it when my fiance logged in. He had been hanging out with a friend of his that I don't like at all. Just thinking about them hanging out pissed me off, perhaps there is a bit of jealousy(that really pisses me off to say)? As soon as I felt like I was going to snap I tried to warn him and he paid no attention to it. So it built and built until I got nasty. The difference this time is that I got nasty about his friend and not him. Basically told him to tell his cunt friend fuck you for me. Since my fiance is honest he pointed out that the only one being a cunt was me. True, but his friend is one all the time, so there! Then he told me he was going to go over to his friend and he would see me whenever, whatever, he gave the impression he didn't care if he saw me again or how long it would take before it happened so I sat at my desk and cried like a moron. Because I am one.

"These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments."

Yup. HELLO! My ex abandoned me, my shit older brother basically abandoned me in some form by molesting me(at least that's how I felt), my grandmother died when I was 16 I NEED HER, my best friend abandoned me by getting a life sentence. I could care less about not having my brother in my life or my ex for that matter but the rest of them meant the world to me. So does my fiance but every time I feel like he's shrugging me off(when he's not at all) or spending more time with friends(can't help that we're 4000 miles apart) I flip out and do and say stupid shit. If I had a dollar for every time I told him I should just kill myself or broke up with him I would be rich. I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal. I want to be the person he loves and not the person that drives him away.

Medicine never worked for me, it just made me worse. Therapy doesn't work because I don't trust the doctors. Hell I have serious trust issues. I'm so tired of getting a taste of being normal and happy only to have this shit creep up on me over and over screwing up my life. I'm not asking for much, I don't want some big career, I don't want to change the world. I just want to marry the man I love and make a family and just live normally. This is completely rhetorical but what the hell did I do to deserve this?

P.S. Thanks to everyone that replied. You are all so sweet and I do appreciate it. Katysara, I'm looking forward to the coffee too. I know it's harsh when I look back on it but when I'm feeling like that, it's the truth to me. I wish I could find a way to change it.

*hugs RedRaven*
I dont know what to say that has not already been said or that you already know, except that I know that you do not suck, I find you really nice! But, I cant change how you feel, only trust me when I say you seem like a perfectly nice person, that DO deserve to have someone.

Your temper seem quite familiar to me.. I cant really belive my partner have not left me yet.. but I must have been nice to him sometimes, bescause he IS still here!

I can't tell you all how awesome you are. Reading over this whole thread again I'm reminded why I rarely post when I'm in one of my moods. Do you see how every single one of you said the sweet and encouraging things only to have me reply by telling you all you're wrong? I hate feeling like that and I know my family and fiance hate when I'm like that as well. To be honest, no matter how crappy my attitude gets I'm always amazed with my parents and fiance. They have never gone a day without thinking I'm a cool kid. My parents joke around calling it Steph worship. Maybe I'll understand it when I have my own kids, but I don't understand how they never get bored of me.

I really don't know what to say except that I hope you all understand what it's like to feel like crap and think you're crap sometimes. It does help to post here and talk about it, even if all I do is post some rant from hell and walk away till the next morning. Sometimes it just helps to get it out. Last night my fiance did go to his friends house to hang out and the "mood"(we'll call it that for ease) came and went throughout the evening and night. I did my best to keep it under control and I'm proud to say I didn't send him a slew of nasty emails or break up with him. What bugs me the most about this stuff is how little I'm able to control it right now. When he was here for 2 1/2 months to visit we didn't fight at all. The moment he went home tho, it came back. When I get like that I feel consumed by it. Most of the time it seems to hit me at work and my fiance has a theory that once I leave my job I'll be in better shape. I hope he's right. That doesn't matter tho, regardless of the reason it happens, MD, BPD, PMS, it's inexcusable in my book. There has to be a way to resist it and stop it from happening.

I'm hoping that moving there in March will help things. I'm sure my visit there in November will help things. Put us in the same room and it's like we're one of those old couples that have been in love through the ages. Like we've already been together in a past life and given a second chance. As long as he can hold on for a few more months we'll be set.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and encouragement. It really does mean the world to me.

Oh crap, I have to get to dad's! I'm late!

i ditto heartfelt dawn.

im-ing is very hard to understand. even the phone is better. even an email that you have time to ponder over is better.

i know though, it is hard to know at the moment that you should just be alone for a few minutes or part of the day...

you aren't a crappy person or whatever it is you think.
all couples do stuff like that. or so i hear. as i am not part of all couples. that would be awkward and time consuming and not compatible with my current level of sexual desire.

Do tell Nick....

Love you Red. You are a star. I ditto what people have said about IMs.

KSx