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Red Raven


Member

Posted Sun Sep 30th, 2007 12:01am Post subject: What am I supposed to do?
You're all right about IM's and most of my explosions are a result of something read in an IM. However, when I'm at home we talk over webcam with Skype so that helps a LOT. It's still not the same as being in the same room but at least we know when the other is joking.

I talked to dad today about my brain and how it's trying to kick my arse. Basically he said he doesn't think anything is wrong with me. He said that I need to learn to love myself completely and trust that if my fiance doesn't like or can't live with the Nance in me(my grandmother is Nancy and I take after her a lot, she was known for telling it like it is and getting pissed off at the drop of a dime) and I need to learn to accept how I am and live. Regardless of whether it's Bipolar, BPD, pms or just ME I need to learn to love myself how I am and just be the best me I can be. Then he threw in the, "I've loved you since the first time I held your slimy little self and I don't care what it is that makes you you I love you for it and that's that." then said that my fiance is a "grown ass man" and if he can't live with me it's up to him to make that decision. So it was a nice talk and it got me to thinking that he's right, whatever it is about me that makes me like this is just who I am and I'll try to improve myself but what the hell? Live and let live.

I just hope I remember all of this next time it happens. X-D

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Dogfight


Member

Posted Mon Oct 1st, 2007 4:43am Post subject: What am I supposed to do?
He must have mental problems himself if he wants to stay with me. Seriously, why else would he put up with me?

Well, that's love for you!


You seem to be unable to escape the basic fact that you ARE lovable and worth loving. Tough one! On top of the self-loathing, you sound like you also have a load of guilt towards those that refuse to join the "Hate Redraven Club" (membership: 1) when you feel you've treated them badly. How frustrating!

As I understand it, it's the chemicals in your brain which cause the negative self-esteem (and the rage, hatred, paranoia, etc), and for me the SSRI's are working wonders. Unfortunately you say that medicine only made you worse.

Otherwise, I found this to be pretty illuminating on a number of issues:
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/

Best wishes!

Arf Arf Arf !!!

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Red Raven


Member

Posted Mon Oct 1st, 2007 2:35pm Post subject: What am I supposed to do?
You're right Dogfight. It's a feeling that comes and goes and at the moment I'm able to accept that I'm loved. I think it's mostly a guilt thing, wrapped in a trust thing, wrapped in a stupid thing. Not to say that I'm stupid, just that it's stupid to think that I can't be loved...

Anyway, the talk with my dad did help a lot. That was the first time I ever opened up about this to him and now I'm not so afraid of him anymore. I kept it to myself since my diagnosis cause I was afraid of being sent back to the hospital. I haven't needed to go at all but after the first time mom and dad seemed hyperaware of my moods and it worried me that I would get sent away for it. Now I'm not so worried. What a relief.

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Pongo's Mum


Member

Posted Mon Oct 1st, 2007 4:40pm Post subject: What am I supposed to do?
Hello Red Raven.
I'm a relative newby on this site, i'm saying that - i don;t know why. I am going through an episode at the mo'

I have a partner who like you said clocks on.........
Now i find that VERY annoying? Why?

Its the only time in my life i have felt violent?

My partner no matter what, trundles along. When i am really down,i go into myself, sleep a lot, and watch rubbish tv.
I cannot read - no concentration.

I have asked, and nagged her to read the publications from the depression alliance, but no! my partner sees things black, and that other colour? oh yes white.

So, I THINK, i know what you mean? This does not make you a c**t.

Like the previous thread, you are being very harsh on yourself.

I am always told that my standards are too high. Does that mean expectations? I don't know? Is that do unto others?

I find myself retreating from folks, because of this.

This tale i hope will make you smile............

One time i used to manage my own project for homeless folks, when you meet people socially, and say what you do for a living, you can see them thinking - how wonderful, how rewarding, etc etc. As they reach for a nobel prize etc.

18 years i have done this, and in that time, i have met (In Local Govt, i hasten to add.) Only folks who want to go around the housing list.

In the private sector, its a different tale.

Anyway, in local govt, these 'home-less' people are really obnoxious (in my experience.)
I used to travel to my nearest city, I won't say which, and go into M&S, and listen to the folks say "thank you" and smile when you held a door for them.

Just for a break from rude people

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