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Nitro


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 5:55am Post subject: What is real communication?
I was inspired by something Michael said on another thread about listening.

Such a lost art in our increasingly narcissitic world so amplified by new gadgets and social networking tools ( Look at ME!! I matter!! Here's what I ate for lunch!! )

I met a new friend recently who I generally like but she has the bad habit of talking about herself at 200mph. E.g.

"And then I went here and said this and then my friend said and then we went to this place and ate this stuff and after that I remembered I needed new shoes and did I ever tell you about when I was five I had these new shoes and they were kind of clown shoes it was so funny but anyway so this other friend's having a party and we're going to do blah and then blah and they all love me and this guy was looking at me and he's into me oh but wait when i was at work today this bitch said this thing and then..."...every god damned nuance of a day that spins off many threads of essentially self-referential thoughts...I've been ill and that's the phone call I got LOL I really had to beg off the phone because I couldn't sit in as her audience anymore. She called me an hour later and I ignored her call. She left a message on my ansa machine essentially extending her previous rat-a-tat speech until the machine cut her off X-D

I'm with you Michael, if there's not a back and forth communication then there's NO communication. And like yourself, I find it a feat of superhuman power to endure or be polite about being on the recieving end of it. And also, it makes me want to back off from such a person rather than try to be their friend because it's like they're showing you they don't have the capacity for it because...drum roll.....they don't listen themselves!!

I'm spent...anyone have a cigarette?

Really? Wow.

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 6:26am Post subject: What is real communication?
I was inspired by something Michael said on another thread about listening.

Such a lost art in our increasingly narcissitic world so amplified by new gadgets and social networking tools ( Look at ME!! I matter!! Here's what I ate for lunch!! )

I'm with you Michael, if there's not a back and forth communication then there's NO communication. And like yourself, I find it a feat of superhuman power to endure or be polite about being on the recieving end of it. And also, it makes me want to back off from such a person rather than try to be their friend because it's like they're showing you they don't have the capacity for it because...drum roll.....they don't listen themselves!!

I'm spent...anyone have a cigarette?

+ Quote been cropped to save a bit of space, forgive me+

I myself have become one of the modernized persons with the new gadgets in hand and a fan of social networking tools.
Though in all honestly I am not one of those that must be noticed.

As Nitro and Michael agree about not having back and forth communication, then there is no communication, I am very strongly in agreeance as well.

I believe that I am an excellent listener, but that is something others will have better judgement.
I can carry on a conversation of more then a dozen words, but I will never be classified as a 'talker'. I do shut up, mostly when I have to talk about myself. I'm not a fan of talking about myself, and find it rather difficult...even with a direct question.

Anyways.. ()_-_-_(____________()
Here is a '$#!%! verison of a cigarette.. xx

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Nitro


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 6:38am Post subject: What is real communication?
Ahhh...thanks for that ciggy

Now I have one to smoke on my computer and one to lay in my analog ashtray

You certainly don't have to talk about yourself if you don't wish to. And some people aren't talkers or are more reserved. I tend to be that way in real life but I can type like a fiend.

I tend to be reserved till I feel I know the other person a little bit more, usually had over various time and encounters under our belts and it's true that I tend to be more of a listener than a talker. But sometimes you run across people who see that in you and they just abuse holy hell out of it, figuring they've found an entire audience in one person. Which isn't always bad, if they're interesting or have something to share that is. It's bad, for me, when the person is just running every single niggling little nuance of every damn hour of their day prior to speaking with you and doing it for almost an hour straight BEFORE ever saying,"How was YOUR day? What are YOU up to?" etc etc. I might a listener, but I ain't no doormat X-D

Time for another smoke...oh bruddah how I love my smokes

Really? Wow.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 2:07pm Post subject: What is real communication?
This is precisely why I don't answer the phone half the time. I know which callers simply want to talk at me, rather than to me. I know the ones who are genuinely interested in feedback and the ones who just want it to look like they're not talking to themselves.

I don't need every nuance of every person's day. Just give me the big picture, the broad strokes, cut to the chase, etc. However, if someone is calling me with a real problem, tell me all. I'm here to listen.

My favorites are calls from people who say they want advice, I offer it, then they get mad. Fortunately, the older I get the fewer people do that to me.

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 2:26pm Post subject: What is real communication?
Real communication? A mixture of body language, auditory tone, looking someone in the eye and seeing them look back. There's nuances to this of course; I'm not entirely sure I'd want some hairy great sailor to misunderstand.

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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PamJH


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 4:17pm Post subject: What is real communication?
Real communication? A mixture of body language, auditory tone, looking someone in the eye and seeing them look back. There's nuances to this of course; I'm not entirely sure I'd want some hairy great sailor to misunderstand.

I like face-to-face conversations best. I find I'm more careful not to say something that might be misconstrued as hurtful and I listen better as well. I've gotten lots of cranky ass emails from people who would never speak rudely to me in person. Many people hide behind the anonymity of the internet and use that as an excuse to be rude and condescending.

And no Maxx, you shouldn't allow hairy great sailors to misunderstand you. Hairy great Parliamentarians, well that's another story.

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 4:48pm Post subject: What is real communication?
Communication; an idea left hanging on an electronic breeze, one individual hooking into an emotional groove and wondering if the other end of the wires glow with the same flame.

The unsaid is loudest when surrounded by noise. Great music is communication, it speaks to the heart. A touch on a shoulder in passing. An embrace sent in a letter. The sense of union of mind or feeling, euphoria and tragedy.

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 6:49pm Post subject: What is real communication?
Such a lost art in our increasingly narcissitic world so amplified by new gadgets and social networking tools ( Look at ME!! I matter!! Here's what I ate for lunch!! )
Why do you suppose that technology and social networking contribute to our inability to communicate and listen well? Surely a good listener is a good listener regardless of format right? I know we started a discussion along this route with the Putnam, but I don't think we got very far lol. I know that technology can be an impediment because if you don't have access to it you are pretty much excluded. I would also say that perhaps it encourages us to isolate ourselves from each other by keeping us in front of our computers, on our phones etc., is that sort of where you're going?




I'm spent...anyone have a cigarette?
Depends on what you're smokin'

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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michael


Member

Posted Fri Apr 17th, 2009 11:46pm Post subject: What is real communication?
*still stuck on wondering if i'd mind a sailor misunderstanding me*

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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joan


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 1:30am Post subject: What is real communication?
Communication varies between cultures. For instance, the most direct (ie you say what you think and bugger the consequences) communicators are Israelis, followed closely by my lot - folks from Yorkshire. Germans are pretty direct, Australians are not. They hint and go all round the houses to tell you something.

I learned that New Yorkers are capable of communicating by two people talking over each other, ie talking at the same time.

Aboriginal Australian communication is another thing all together. The 'power' is in the listener not the talker. You say something, and it is up to whoever is there to choose to hear you or not. This has called untold trouble to Aborigines over the years, as they say something disgusting using foul language, a cop arrests them, and they think he is insane for having listened to them.

It is a pain being a direct communicator in an indirect culture - it drives me to distraction sometimes.

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elTweeno


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 1:53am Post subject: What is real communication?
It's bad, for me, when the person is just running every single niggling little nuance of every damn hour of their day prior to speaking with you and doing it for almost an hour straight BEFORE ever saying,"How was YOUR day? What are YOU up to?" etc etc. I might a listener, but I ain't no doormat X-D


People do this to me an awful lot, because I'm generally pretty quiet and willing to help or listen to anyone. But if I'm in a bad mood, I tend to forget my patience somewhere after 5 minutes and say something like, "so anyway, I'm fine, thanks for asking." I know its rude, and awful, and sarcastic...but it really shuts them up. Several of my closest friends know that if I do snap & get sarcastic like that, it means I'm having a rough time...but most people get offended, as though they genuinely do think my world revolves around what they had for lunch.


Why do you suppose that technology and social networking contribute to our inability to communicate, listen well? Surely a good listener is a good listener regardless of format right?

I agree; bad listeners in real life tend to be bad 'listeners' in any format, in my experience.


My favorites are calls from people who say they want advice, I offer it, then they get mad. Fortunately, the older I get the fewer people do that to me.

Or when you find yourself repeating advice you gave that same person very recently, and they get annoyed because you're just repeating yourself & "going on at them." They asked for my advice!

eT

I'm also on Twitter: elTweeno (of course!)

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Julia from Bristol


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 11:22am Post subject: What is real communication?
Lots that I agree with here.
As a retired headteacher I have a real concern about the way children are learning to communicate (young ones - 4-11yrs). Many are starting school with barely a grunt. They have learnt the art of body language to get what they want & parents just comply. As for listening, that certainly is nota word in their vocabulary!

Schools are desperately trying to increase the amount of conversation/listening that is done but particularly in primary, they are under a great deal of pressure to work on those areas that can be tested (Written English, maths & science) despite having to have ‘Speaking & Listening’ as part of the curriculum!

Don’t know if you have caught up with a programme called the Speaker which is a competition looking for young speakers. Having only seen the trailers, I think it is more about public speaking / oratory.

We desperately need people who can listen (not just hear) & then communicate appropriately.

I have a cunning plan!

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PamJH


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 7:38pm Post subject: What is real communication?

We desperately need people who can listen (not just hear) & then communicate appropriately.

Hear, hear. Are we really communicating what we hear or what we wanted to hear? Sometimes I have to think about that.

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ladyfromhamburg


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 7:47pm Post subject: What is real communication?
Real communication? A mixture of body language, auditory tone, looking someone in the eye and seeing them look back. There's nuances to this of course; I'm not entirely sure I'd want some hairy great sailor to
misunderstand.

I agree with many of your points what I think what Maxx mentioned are definitely the main characteristics of communication. If a person is not able to combine all these important things communication will often be rather one-sided (just as described by Nitro). I remember show-offs who held awkful never ending monologues because the were too occupied with themselves to pay attention to the person opposite. Lack of thought? Egoism? A different way one sees oneself or even loneliness?

For a long time I try to find an answer. I recognized that there are most probably 3 main categories of people: The talkers, the listeners and those who are able to be both at the same time (of course, in between are many more types like 'I don't talk and I don't listen' 'part-time talker/listener' 'I only talk when I want to' 'I listen on special occasions' and so on).
It's strange but the talkers seem automatically to be attracted by the listeners. Obviously it doesn't matter if the listener makes any effort to come into contact or the contrary, tries to stay in the backround and pretends to be busy. Only the body language tells our talker : Your are an attentive person!.
Take me as an example, I've always been the listener (or perhaps someone of my 3rd category). Not that I don't want to talk or that I don't know that to tell, but as a person who is always a little bit reserved I usually need some more time before I will start to tell anybody else more about myself. Nevertheless, I'm really bery interested in people and all kind of things - so it seems that my personal body language, the voice, the look of my eyes and my complete behaviour is always an invitation to get in contact and to choose me as 'personal listener'. It doesn't matter which age, which sex, which time or which place. It allways gathers a momentum of its own.

Five minutes in a bus and people start a personal conversation, half an hour in a café and they have told me their life story. Would you ask them what they learned about me - nearly nothing but they would absolutely be convinced that we had a nice conversation, that we communicated.
Most of the time I'm too polite and too friendly to interrupt, to show my displeasure or to go away. Sometimes I say to myself: there are worse things on earth than this chattering, this one-sided communication. Often I even feel sorry for some of them. They miss such a lot! They don't hear the wind changing, they dont' see the coming clouds. They are only surprised about the 'sudden' storm around them....

As Nitro described athe the beginning of this thread it's so exhausting to listen to monologues but the more I enjoy it to meed people who are different. It's the compensation and allows me to react lerniently in the other case.

Sorry, it's rather long and most probably poor English. So I only can hope that I didn't choose words which changed the sense ( and please don't look at prepositions and tenses).

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PamJH


Member

Posted Sat Apr 18th, 2009 10:34pm Post subject: What is real communication?
ladyfromhamburg, you did just fine. Poor English, indeed. I wish my English was that good.

Anyway, I wish I could be more lenient with one-sided conversations. I have a relative that will blurt out her life's story to anyone who has a few minutes and no graceful way to escape. I find it annoying because I've heard it all a few times and it's all I can do not to tell her to buzz off. But that would be unkind. She needs the attention for some reason.

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