STEPHEN FRY

if you don't mind me using chat abbreviations...

OMG

i don't like the sound of your psych. isn't that a person you SHOULD be talking about suicide to? how frustrating that must be.

i hope the new person listens better. i don't know what else to say...
5am here!

i hope you have a good day, though. take it easy.[/b]

The guy sounds like a proper prat!! Did he actually listen to anything you said to him?

I confess I've been quite lucky with my contact at DoP. He isn't a shrink, but he's worked me out quite well and I don't get away with much. He is thinking of referring me now, but I've said I won't go, don't see the point. I'm either going to get better or I will go through with my suicide plan.. I don't need to do any more talking about it!

I would tough it out with your guy though, if he's going to be gone in a couple of months anyway, you don't want to end up with a hospital visit for not attending your next appointment with him, don't give him the satisfaction!

L

you don't want to end up with a hospital visit for not attending your next appointment with him, don't give him the satisfaction!
L

Oh I don't think that would happen. They told me I am totally unsectionable. Basically they told me I am of sound mind if I want to commit suicide. Nice.

KSx

Katysara, I can COMPLETELY relate to your story.

I saw a psychiatrist earlier this year and in other words he was calling me a little girl who needs to belt up. I told him I was suicidal, yet on his reports he wrote that I wasn't because he didn't think I was telling the truth.. Since he wrote that report I've tried to kill myself 3 times. Some judgement!

I felt so frustrated and angered by him that I deliberately missed my next appointment cause I knew I would have caused some trouble had he spoken to me like that again.

I went to the hospital because I was freaking out that following week and the hospital refused to see me because I had missed my psychiatry meeting.

Every time I've been to the hospital many times for attempted suicide and they keep pushing me out the door under the hope that 'I'll feel better in the morning'.
Granted, a lot of the time I do eventually calm down, but only because who ever took me to the hospital is watching me like a hawk for the next few days.

Last time I went no one came with me, I actually wanted help, and they still shoved me out the door. The UK health care is a terrible place.

The more you confess the more they think you're okay.


I just want to make the point to all health professionals that just because you know what's wrong with you doesn't mean you can stop it!

I've had experiences like this before. Usually it's disbelief in how my meds effect me. Every one of them manages to screw me up in some way. When I was on Seroquel it made me sleep constantly. When it came to work I had so much trouble waking up and when I did it was all I could do to stay awake once I got there. I told my psychiatrist every week about this and she kept increasing the dosage and it wasn't until the day I told that every day that week I didn't remember driving to work, or the first few hours of being there. I had to get a close coworker of mine to keep an eye on me until I was conscious and told her who to call if I didn't show up. My psychiatrists fear of what would happen to other drivers was what got her to lower my dosage. Yes, she actually told me, "we can't have you smashing into other people's cars, you might hurt them!"

Katysara, I'm really confused when I read your posts. On one hand you seem so determined to end your life. You seem like you've made your decision to do it. Sometimes it seems like you think getting better is pointless and a waste of time because of this decision to end it. On the other hand, I see you getting frustrated that you aren't getting better and frustrated that the doctors don't take you seriously enough to help you. I'm not pointing this out to upset you, I just want to understand exactly where you stand with all of this. Are you frustrated because you want to stay as OK as possible until the wedding or do you still have hope that you can get better? I know that asking if you still have hope to get better may seem stupid, but you seemed so resigned to suicide that I have to ask.

Also something that occurred to me while reading over this a second time is I wonder if the Dr isn't more inclined to listen and help because you've made the decision to end your life. It's still no excuse and he should take you seriously and continue to try to help you, but at the same time, I'm a firm believer that you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. If you are set in the idea of killing yourself, would you be willing to help yourself(are you helping yourself?) if you thought it would actually make things better for you?

Again, please don't get upset with me. I genuinely want to know where you stand with all of this because I'm concerned for you. No matter the outcome you choose I'm there for you if you need me, but I feel that I need to know where you stand in either case to be of any help. It's not my place to try to change your mind or tell you how to live your life but if I or anyone here could make it a little brighter I'm sure all of us would try our best to do that.

Katysara, I'm really confused when I read your posts. On one hand you seem so determined to end your life. You seem like you've made your decision to do it. Sometimes it seems like you think getting better is pointless and a waste of time because of this decision to end it. On the other hand, I see you getting frustrated that you aren't getting better and frustrated that the doctors don't take you seriously enough to help you. I'm not pointing this out to upset you, I just want to understand exactly where you stand with all of this. Are you frustrated because you want to stay as OK as possible until the wedding or do you still have hope that you can get better? I know that asking if you still have hope to get better may seem stupid, but you seemed so resigned to suicide that I have to ask.

Also something that occurred to me while reading over this a second time is I wonder if the Dr isn't more inclined to listen and help because you've made the decision to end your life. It's still no excuse and he should take you seriously and continue to try to help you, but at the same time, I'm a firm believer that you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. If you are set in the idea of killing yourself, would you be willing to help yourself(are you helping yourself?) if you thought it would actually make things better for you?

Again, please don't get upset with me. I genuinely want to know where you stand with all of this because I'm concerned for you.

I'm not upset with you, don't worry. Mmm. How to answer. I did, about a month ago, knowing I was in the throws of a mixed episode, make the decision to end my life after my sister's wedding, towards the end of January whilst my parents are away in South America (no interruptions). That is not information I have shared with my psych so I don't think he is not treating me because I have given up. (Even though he shouldn't if I had).

Have I given up completely - NO, not at all. The idea of death seems appealing but I am desperate to be OK and not to hurt my family. That means a large part of me is fighting with the time I have left. I see my cpn weekly, my psychotherapist every 2 weeks (he is very good, I get the most hope from him), my GP every 2 weeks (also very good), and dr-wanker when he tells me to see him. I wouldn't bother seeing these people or writing on these forums if I didn't want to find an alternative to suicide. I just fear very deeply that I wont find an alternative.

I'm also helping myself with my meds (which should be my psychiatrist's job but he is failing). My lithium level is low so I am trying to get permission to increase my dose. I also found myself flooded with suicidal thoughts when I came off risperidone, something I immediately reported, and I have been fighting for weeks to get back on it, with no luck so far. Silly thing is, I have the meds in the house, but I've been warned that self-medication would be frowned heavily upon.

I've been ill since I was 5. I've attempted suicide 443 times before, been clinically dead twice, so you'd think they's take me seriously, but no...

Does that make things clearer? If not, just ask.

Mixed-KSx

Ha, Dr Wanky suits him as a name. He is the lead consultant at Derby until December. They wont let me see a more junior doctor because my case is "too complex, involving polypharmacy" etc. I have to assume that I might not even get to meet his replacement before my 'deadline' and even if I do, the first couple of meeting are always difficult as you get to know each other. That is why I am glad I have a great GP (who phoned Dr Wanky to try and get my meds sorted, but so far I've heard nothing back). Plus my psychotherapist is great (although he is finding it difficult to help me because I am so unmotivated/have given up on so much).

Yes 443 times, at least. Most when on venlafaxine and no mood stabiliser, in a mixed episode and in hospital. If my book ever gets published you can read more about it all...

But you guys are all helping.

KSx