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amlee


Member

Posted Sat Feb 24th, 2007 4:51pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
Ohhh aaaachhhh god no I wouldn't! I felt normal one time hahaha. That sounds funny. Hmm what do I mean by that. Here, I know... follow me back in time...

I was about 15 or 16 when I started taking this one medication for my depression and anxiety. The depression end of my bipolar went away quite ...disturbingly. Yeah yeah woohoo most of you'd say. I was happy for a while. I mean I had to be, the meds made me happy. Well they didn't make me happy, that's what was weird, they just took away the depression. So it almost felt like there was a hole. So I had to do something... That's how I made myself fall into the deepest depression I've ever been in... Or how normal did, I guess. Nothing felt the same anymore. I realized I had no social skills whatsoever (in case that isnt obvious) and had no friends, I realized I had nothing to do, I would just sit around all day. I couldn't figure out what on earth I did before! I had no hobbies, I had no money to do anything, and quite frankly I didn't want to do anything because by this point I was pretty depresssed. Then the doc changed meds and I spent another however many years having meds changed 2 times a month, meds that made me manic, meds that made me suicidal, meds that made me want to throw things across the room in a rage... oh how I miss those days. Now I'm just on seizure meds (which are also my bipolar meds so I can't complain... if they keep me from flailing about on the floor)

Sorry for babbling but... you asked.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention how fun it is.... I mean come on, I don't have to pay for cable tv! And think of the health benefits! All the time I spend running around like a chicken with its head cut off has got to burn TONS of calories... (which probably doesn't even come close to the amount of calories I take in when I'm in my eating 3 boxes of cookies mood)

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JVONEARTH


Member

Posted Sat Feb 24th, 2007 9:56pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
Thanks to all who replied
I know it may have been a strange thing to ask.

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thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive


Member

Posted Fri Mar 9th, 2007 4:22am Post subject: Would you give it up?
At the moment, in a heartbeat. Mixed episodes. Destroying my life. In a part time admin job now as opposed to my well paid full time creative one before my hospitalisation and still can't cope.

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theomnipotentone


Member

Posted Thu Mar 15th, 2007 3:16am Post subject: Would you give it up?
Unsurprisingly enough (considering it being a recurring theme with the likes of "us"), I wouldn't press the button, thus relinquishing my access to unchartered cerebral territories. My disorder and I have grown close - indeed, it has been this way for me since the age of four or five - and, to an extent, I derive some warped form of pleasure from the idea of it. When I'm unstable, i.e. manic or severely depressed, being bipolar makes me feel special even amongst all the agony, as though due to my pain I have tremendously beautiful and original contributions to make to society via the arts and philosophy. I fear that pressing such a button would strip me of my dreams, transform me from an intriguing outsider to a faceless shell.

Eight months ago I was diagnosed and placed on Lamictal. For the first time in my 21 years I have experienced stability... or, rather, the closest I have ever come to it. The pressure headaches which would plague me for weeks at a time have ceased; the cacophonous fugue of thought has been quieted a great deal; I am able to focus; I no longer am obsessed with the idea of suicide, or "my Blank" as I would refer to... yet I still experience just enough cycling so that I can function AND feel myself. When I went on medication the notion that I might become estranged from a massive part of "me" was horrifying. For some unbeknownst reason I want it both ways: Instability and stability; I want to love and hate myself...

...ahem... I had better stop there before I go into a psychoanalytical rant, which will completely drain all readers of their will to live... I'm in a prime state of mind to do so.

Be well everyone.

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thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive


Member

Posted Thu Mar 15th, 2007 10:06am Post subject: Would you give it up?
Man, these stable people. Give me your doctors numbers!

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theomnipotentone


Member

Posted Thu Mar 15th, 2007 2:17pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
Alas and alack, at the moment I'm not feeling particularly "stable." The Great Ravenous Pillager calls again, equipped with a cornucopia of instruments with which to scourge: Insomnia; Depression; racing thoughts increasing in speed exponentially, gaily picking up "friends" along the way, their relentless clamour culminating in the most furious crash of a pressure headache - SHUT UP! But no... they are sadists - of course - and deny me my Quiet. Inevitably it is my fault though...due to circumstances beyond my control (hogwash!) relating to my not having a doctor during the transition I made from the States to England, I recently was off my medication for nearly two weeks. Back on meds again, I beg his mercy that he might make this but a mere sojourn...

My head wants to combust.

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Crazy_in_a_box


Member

Posted Mon Mar 19th, 2007 10:00pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
Ive thought about this on a few occasions and have always come up with the same answer; No.
Ive been through hell and back, felt it was the end so many times yet I cant help feeling this is me - or a part of me - and without it I wouldnt be the person I am.
I also feel a smidge privileged to feel the level of emotions that I do, even if they are not all good. To be so intouch with a certain part of myself is not something that everyone in this world has and I do treasure it even if it feels like its killing me.

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RighthoJeeves


Member

Posted Sat May 19th, 2007 4:00am Post subject: Would you give it up?
I would fast foward my manic crash times, last one very serious in a heart beat. I never want another one of those, Totally going crackers it is not fun. but the up and downs have been mostly Ok. The ups better than the downs of course. I know my parents wish I could press that button, they have been with me through all of it. I wouldnt understand my husband as well being Bipolar II and ADHD though , though I am Biopolar I without ADHD, He told me in our first conversation on the phone and once I knew that I knew I could just be me with him. I have been married 4rs this year and I expect many more. He stuck by my side when I got so ill in 2005, he could of done anything but right by my side he was, gave up his country (UK) to be in mine (USA). No I wouldnt press that button only if my husband could press it with me, and one day we will but not in this life. I came into this world and I must of known I could handle it and so far I am right.

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cuckoo


Member

Posted Sun May 20th, 2007 12:48pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
I could do without the suicide attempts and so yes I could do without MD. But without it would I have achieved my dreams. Probably not. But I'd rather be normal and happy than sucessful and not,

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Lilyg


Member

Posted Fri May 25th, 2007 11:17am Post subject: Would you give it up?
Great posts Spleen et Idèal. You put a big smile on my face. :D. Of course I wish I didnt have the downers but life is an amazing experience, it's wonderful to hear you explain the richness and magic of it too. I fight two illnesses and I often believe my energy, zest and appreciation of the wonder fueled by being more 'out there' than most gives me the strength to battle life's other curve ball adversities, which inevitably do come along.

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sat May 26th, 2007 2:58pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
As for being able to control the highs? Yes, and I do as at this stage, with Medication.

I actually find the extreme highs more damaging than the moderate lows.

It's during these periods that I make silly decisions, (small and large). I can't sit and watch TV. I can' t sit and read a book without fidgeting, or being able to focus on the text. In fact it's really a waist of time to even trying read during these times. As far as trying to relax away from work generally, no chance.

During the lows, I become sedate, focused and become more of a soul searcher. It's during these periods that I become more creative and can focus on a single task, rather than trying to juggle several at a time, as I seem to do when high.

But I must add though, that I have had to discover how things tick inside and pull the right levers in order to pull myself up, motivate myself, and not hide away, when all seems to be falling down around me.

I certainly get more work done during the lows with less effort, whereas during the highs, I seem to get less done, yet strangely, feel as though I’ve ran a marathon.

Hope this all makes sense.

Take care

Pete

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Tue Sep 4th, 2007 9:58am Post subject: Would you give it up?
I was just thinking about the two American boys in the documentary. What do you think they would say?

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Saturn


Member

Posted Tue Sep 4th, 2007 10:23am Post subject: Would you give it up?
A year ago I would have said no way, now I'm not so sure

The amount of shit, the amount of disappointments heartaches, heartbreaks I've been through since then It just isn't worth all the pain.

I would definitely say though that have depression has made me a better person, more sympathetic, more caring, more thoughtful than I was before but it also makes me more vulnerable, more susceptible to hurt [and I was already deeply sensitive as a child and young adult].

It would be nice to have a normal life, normal feelings, to not think of every day as potentially your last. In a few weeks I'll be twenty-eight years old and I've been suffering since I was about 14, that's nearly half my life, I don;t know how much longer I can go like this, or whether I actually do want to go on at all most days.

Maybe people with B/P here would say yes because of the manic hyper-creative periods but I don;'t get those at all being only unipolar myself when there's little difference between being suicidal and just feeling like shit most days maybe I would press that button.

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ruthy


Member

Posted Tue Sep 4th, 2007 1:50pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
A year ago I would have said no way, now I'm not so sure

The amount of shit, the amount of disappointments heartaches, heartbreaks I've been through since then It just isn't worth all the pain.

I would definitely say though that have depression has made me a better person, more sympathetic, more caring, more thoughtful than I was before but it also makes me more vulnerable, more susceptible to hurt [and I was already deeply sensitive as a child and young adult].

It would be nice to have a normal life, normal feelings, to not think of every day as potentially your last. In a few weeks I'll be twenty-eight years old and I've been suffering since I was about 14, that's nearly half my life, I don;t know how much longer I can go like this, or whether I actually do want to go on at all most days.

Maybe people with B/P here would say yes because of the manic hyper-creative periods but I don;'t get those at all being only unipolar myself when there's little difference between being suicidal and just feeling like shit most days maybe I would press that button.
Been there hun.
I'm so sorry you feel like this, but there is light at the end of that tunnel... honest....promise

I'm ten years older than you and started about the same age (as far as I can work out). I can't promise you a rosey life from now on but if you just keep plodding and try to be as pro-active as you feel able, when you feel able you will be able to see that light eventually (not the one that you walk into either )

Sorry I can't be of more help, I would if I could but then sometimes just knowing someone cares can help a little.
And a lot of people care.

Keep on plodding dear friend, keep on plodding!

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katysara


Moderator

Posted Tue Sep 4th, 2007 3:07pm Post subject: Would you give it up?
I'd push it for sure.

It's fucked up my life good and proper, and even if I now work within the field of psychiatry trying to help bipolars, I'm sure I'd have been happier without it, and still found something useful to do.

I'm in a mixed state now, heavy on the depression, and so yes, I'd push the button.

KSx

I am an administrator on this site.

"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry

See my website: www.katysaraculling.com

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