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spink222
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 1:11am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
In the documentary, Stephen Fry asks himself, and others, if they would push a button to get rid of their bipolar disorder.
I absolutely would push the button. Especially if it meant clearing all of the past events that happened during mania/depression. While I was truly manic, I may have lost weight, felt invincible and seen the world in a different way, but it quickly unraveled into paranoia, shame and regret.
Would I still have as interesting and fulfilling a life without mania/depression? Would I still be myself? I think so. Perhaps I'll learn to appreciate the highs and lows as life goes on, but for now I don't see it as a productive thing.
What do you guys think?
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Red Raven
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 2:07am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Where is this button? I'm ready to push it!
I know that a lot of people enjoy the creative side of it, but I don't have that. I'm not creative in any way. I don't even know if I could create a baby. I only barely managed to create chicken salad earlier.
I have an easel...it's set up right over there...there's a canvas on it...there's part of a raven painted on it...it doesn't really look like one tho. more like an oil rag. Anyway, I started it months ago....I doubt I'll ever finish it. I went through a painting spell a little over a year ago. It was fueled by rage, anger, hurt, etc etc. I did pretty good. I like most of them. But since then I've never been able to paint again. It really upsets me because I really enjoyed doing it. I think I have a very serious case of painter's block.
If there were a button to make me rational and even and simple, I would push it in a heartbeat.
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LilyG
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 3:47am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
i actually wouldn't. i would want to, when i am depressed, no questions asked. I know this, because it is what i have wished so very much for in times of darkness. but i have times of unbelievable creativity which, although certainly stems from myself, my upbringing, who i am etc, also stems hugely from my bipolarity.
before i say what i want to say next, i want to point out that i suffer very severely from bipolar disorder, so i am not saying this glibly or flippantly. but i feel that if i some how could make it all go away...a part of me would leave with it. i certainly dont define myself by my manic depression, but it is a huge part of me, regardless.
and in a way...it would mean that all those days, nights, weeks, months, years of suffering, my suicide attempts, the cutting, the fear and self hate and anger and everything else, would have been for nothing at all, because if i could simply push a button and make it all go away, then in my eyes i havent really overcome it myself. to me, it means it won, that it overcame me to the point that i simply pushed a button and it went. i want to fight off the bugger myself, even if that does mean living in hell some days.
because the incredible lightness of coming out at the other end of all of this...it must be wonderful. i have friends who are in remission; sure, it could pounce back at them oneday, but they do not live in fear, and nor will i.
so no, i would not push the button. period.
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Anonymous
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 6:39am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
I'm depressed, not BP so I can't answer. But I DID want you to know your question wasn't being ignored. 
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Fourth Feline
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 9:42am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Yes, I would push the button.
Not only would I lose the sometimes severe discomfort associated with this disorder, but hypo mania and depressive phases also rob me of my concentration, sustainable creativity and general mental accuity.
Contrary to popular perception ( in my case ) - I am at my creative and / or perceptual 'sharpest' in that zone between high and low. To press the button would therefore leave me right there.
If given a sub choice , I would not leave the lessons of being BPII behind - but if that sub choice where not offered, I would 'eject' anyway and be better able to return to work / life / relationships for the remainder of my time on this earth.
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Red Raven
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 10:55am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Yes, I would push the button.
Contrary to popular perception ( in my case ) - I am at my creative and / or perceptual 'sharpest' in that zone between high and low. To press the button would therefore leave me right there.
Same here, except for the creative part.
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katysara
Moderator
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 1:33pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Yes, I would push the button.
Contrary to popular perception ( in my case ) - I am at my creative and / or perceptual 'sharpest' in that zone between high and low. To press the button would therefore leave me right there.
Actually Red that is what most experts will tell you. People think that they are creative when manic, but actually that's the mania talking. Most productive creativity occurs when euthymic.
Yes I would push the button - even thought that takes away the whole reason why I do the jobs I do. I'd settle for normal.
KSx I am an administrator on this site.
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry
See my website: www.katysaraculling.com
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Crazy_in_a_box
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 2:51pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
I think Im now becoming the link poster of the forum ahahaha, here is the same topic in another thread from about a year ago....
http://stephenfry.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=724&highlight=button
And as I replied then; No I wouldnt push the button..... or would I? hmm I dont know now.... I have to thik it through because every so often I wonder what it would be like to not have such self doubt..... but then the sentiment I said before still rings true.... UGH hahahahaha NO. thats my answer.... I think.
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 3:11pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Actually, I know this question has been asked before, but I'm interested in having the chance to reply to Crazy In A Box this time. I'm curious that you said no, because I believe you have unipolar depression. For BP sufferers and others like myself, this sounds like a "no benefit" condition. I recall Cordelia Feldman in the SLOTMD docmentary saying that depression took her creativity away. What does it mean to you?
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Gayalondiel
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 3:22pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Obviously I'm not CIAB, but I was also going to post saying I wouldn't push the unipolar button. Sure, it'd be nice not to feel this way, and I hope fervently that one day I'll find a therapy that works and I won't have to any more, but I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have had the years of hard experience that have made me who I am, hopefully a reasonably compassionate and caring person. I wouldn't have a platform to relate to my brother and other dear friends I have met on the road to (and from) recovery, and I would guess that some of my deeper, more intense feelings would be lost to me as they tend to come hand in hand with depression.
If you want an analogy, I am a rock in a stormy sea. I am weathered and battered, and I bear the scars of it, but underneath all the dross which is slowly wearing away is the "real" me which I am slowly but surely working out.
/sappy
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st.bipolar
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 3:36pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
i actually wouldn't. i would want to, when i am depressed, no questions asked. I know this, because it is what i have wished so very much for in times of darkness. but i have times of unbelievable creativity which, although certainly stems from myself, my upbringing, who i am etc, also stems hugely from my bipolarity.
before i say what i want to say next, i want to point out that i suffer very severely from bipolar disorder, so i am not saying this glibly or flippantly. but i feel that if i some how could make it all go away...a part of me would leave with it. i certainly dont define myself by my manic depression, but it is a huge part of me, regardless.
and in a way...it would mean that all those days, nights, weeks, months, years of suffering, my suicide attempts, the cutting, the fear and self hate and anger and everything else, would have been for nothing at all, because if i could simply push a button and make it all go away, then in my eyes i havent really overcome it myself. to me, it means it won, that it overcame me to the point that i simply pushed a button and it went. i want to fight off the bugger myself, even if that does mean living in hell some days.
because the incredible lightness of coming out at the other end of all of this...it must be wonderful. i have friends who are in remission; sure, it could pounce back at them oneday, but they do not live in fear, and nor will i.
so no, i would not push the button. period.
im with lily on this one i wouldnt i also have severe bipolar but my hypomania(not my mania) gives me energy, makes me more talkitive and makes me at least think im more witty even though my mania has got me into all sorts of trouble!
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Crazy_in_a_box
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 3:46pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Yes your right, I have Uni-polar so I dont get the manic highs - I just fluctuate between level emotion and really really low and all the possibilities in between. I often get no emotions too which by far is the hardest part because I dont feel anything. I would rather feel the pain of depression and feel "alive", then not feel anything at all. Thats why I took myself off my meds about a year ago.
Em... yeah its a weird scenario that I feel.... I dont know wether I am the way I am because of my depression or wether I am the way I am any way and have depression on top of it. Basically over the last 2 years I have really connected with what is going on inside of me, Ive accepted that what happens to me is different to what happens to other people around me. Because of this, I have learnt how to generally deal with myself and my moods. Now I dont mean I can control them, I dont mean that I can change them or I have an easy time with them, I just know what to do to protect myself at that time.
Since I was about 11 I have liked art and writing so naturally I have dabbled in them abit but once my first bouts of depression kicked in at 16 (I didnt know what it was at the time but looking back I can see it) I nearly symotaniously NEEDED to "do things". This invloved painting, making things, making jewelery, writing poetry, writing a book, sewing, knitting, re-decorating rooms etc etc. The stronger my depression got, the more intense I got in these things. I obcess over music, movies, bands, actors, books, shows, and go into my art bubble everytime I feel my mood drop. I dont really talk, I just go off and do my own thing. This is often not healthy because I will forsake things that are important like college so that I can go to the cinema or sit at home cutting pictures out of magazines.
Part of me likes this connection and feeling of expression and I connect it to my depression. I dont know if Id have got that way if I didnt need to escape....
The other side of it is, and this is where I dont know if it is down to me/my personality or me having lived with depression becoming this way, I see the world differently to alot of people I know. I am fascinated by nature, by art, by intelligence, by creativity, by life and by emotions and connections with other living creatures. I feel them almost on a physical level if that makes sense. when I watch a movie I am living it while Im watching it. I get emotionally connected to things in a big way. I read into everything. the smallest thing means everything to me.
On top of this, I have felt all the emotions I can think of and I dont take them for granted even the bad ones. I look at the world around me and I feel sorry for those who havnt felt life the way I have. they dont apprieciate life.... to actually live. to marvel at the fact that you were on the brink of ending it all and you didnt, you survived yourself. I dont know if that answers it....?
* just seen Gaya's post - she captured it extremely well, esp the intense emotions.
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EstherLayton
Member
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 4:23pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Here are things that have happened to me:
* I have got myself into serious trouble
* I have broken the law
* I have done some dangerous, harmful things
* I have put myself in danger
* I have treated others badly (this I certainly regret)
* My perception is skewed and I had a very slim grip on reality
* I have had piercings and tattoos done when I was so hyper I couldn't even hold a conversation
* My pain threshold is incredible and I have a habit of testing its monumentally high boundaries
* I cannot control what I do and cannot control what I say (albeit at a million miles an hour)
* I self-harm more than ever
BUT ........
I am who I am. I am coming to terms with what I feel and how I am defined as a person. My friends and family love me as I am - and, as they say, "You would not be our Est if you didn't have your funny ways - and it makes you a lovely person". I am incredibly distressed at times, feeling like I live in a black precipice and cannot see a way out. I can't hold out any more and it is frightening that I cannot control what I do. I can hardly bear to live with myself and feel disgust whenever I consider myself as a person. I cry and shake, I get jumpy and I "lose it" at a moment's notice. I have a boiling rage inside me which I am trying to douse.
I am Esther - and I am still loved, despite everything.
Would I press that button? No.
But, as Mr Slattery said, "I still want to have that option within my control".
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LilyG
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Posted Mon Feb 18th, 2008 8:29pm Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
im with lily on this one i wouldnt i also have severe bipolar but my hypomania(not my mania) gives me energy, makes me more talkitive and makes me at least think im more witty even though my mania has got me into all sorts of trouble!
same. i don't experience my creativity when i am manic, im at my best when level or slightly hypomanic, but as an actor i can draw incredible energy from the mania, the hypomania,even (amazingly) my depressions.
i just feel like i've battled so much in my life, and that makes my character the way it is. taking away one of the battles, no matter how painful, would break up the balance (as silly as it is to use a word like balance to describe bipolarity) of me.
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Anonymous
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Posted Tue Feb 19th, 2008 6:29am Post subject: Would you push the button to get rid of bipolar?
Thanks for your considered answer, Crazy, and I was also impressed by the expression and honesty of Gaya, Esther and St Bipolar too.
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